just wanted to vent, remove if not allowed

i’m 17F, 5’11, and i weigh 220 lbs. i’ve been overweight for nearly a decade. i was 8 years old when i started to put on weight and even though i was young i still remember the moment people started to treat me differently. i was bullied a lot growing up and my mom has been on crash diets since i was little which did not help my eating habits at all. most of middle school and early high school i hovered at 180-190 lbs but during covid i became extremely depressed and put on (estimating here) about 40 more pounds. my weight loss journey technically began in june 2022 but i then figured out that i was not tracking calories properly and i also went on vacation with my friend’s family for 10 days so it was difficult to accurately track. in august 2022 i started to take counting calories more seriously and i went from sedentary to walking 7-8 miles a day (around 15k-17k steps for me.) i don’t know what my start weight was and there were points where i lost control and binged but now my clothes are too loose for me and i see other small changes (for example, i can comfortably wrap a towel all the way around my body now!) i am very happy about that and it’s all thanks to the advice from this sub. however, i still feel extremely discouraged most days. for one thing my mom is on an extremely restrictive “carnivore” diet where she eats only meat and dairy (basically she took keto to the extreme) and she is very critical of everything i eat. i try to eat a variety of foods with plenty of protein and i still enjoy sweets just in much smaller amounts that fit into my calorie deficit. every time i eat anything it’s endless criticism about how i’m killing my gut and “you’ll be fat forever if you eat carbs” (??????) hearing that kind of stuff from my own mother all the time has made me even more insecure and increases the guilt every time i eat. she also doesn’t “believe” in CICO and thinks it’s specific food that makes you fat so she makes snide comments every time i eat things that she doesn’t approve of. she’s also a huge advocate for fasting multiple days in a row. i know the things she says are not true but being around this commentary 24/7 is hurting me a lot. another thing is that i feel like i’m still eating too much even when i eat in my deficit. i use loseit and i put somewhat active for my activity level so i don’t overestimate my exercise calories but even when i eat below my deficit i feel so guilty and so bad about myself. my current deficit to lose 2 lbs a week is 1,718 calories. i have my step count integrated and it gives me about 300 bonus cals when i do the usual 7-8 miles, i don’t eat back any of those. there are a lot of times when i try to go down to 1200 even though i start to shake and have migraines/brain fog when i restrict that low. it’s a constant cycle of feeling like i’m not good enough and that i will never be successful unless i barely eat. it’s hard to exist in this body and i can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore. these last two years have been the hardest for me and i feel like in a lot of ways my weight has made high school a miserable time. i want to get this weight off before i start college next fall so i can feel like i finally have a fresh start. if you read this far, thank you, i appreciate this community and i feel like nobody else understands

submitted by /u/throwaway7273832
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/zva6sc/just_wanted_to_vent_remove_if_not_allowed/