How do I lose weight if I'm very depressed and barely care about living let alone being healthy?

Hello all,

I have had body image issues ever since I can remember and I also have binge eating disorder. In middle school, I think I had a bit of a growth spurt and lost weight and everyone (family, friends, etc.) complimented me about how different I looked. I remember having a sweet tooth as a kid and my mother had a sweet tooth too. I remember my mother commenting on my weight in middle school and in adulthood. I don't think it was with ill intent, but I think I definitely carried that with me now (I'm 26F). Everyday, I think about what I eat and my weight. In middle school, I was at a low weight. Fast forward, in college, I gained weight. Then, during junior and senior year I lose weight again and I was at a weight that I wasn't completely confident in, but I was comfortable with (140 at 5'5"). I didn't really make any dietary changes, it's just that I didn't really have much money to eat out everyday and I was walking a lot. My diet then consisted of a meal, snacks, coffee, and stress.

FAST FORWARD

1. My mother is diagnosed with liver cancer. Of course we've had our fights, our ups and downs. But, my best friend is diagnosed with liver cancer. The person that laughs at my jokes is diagnosed with liver cancer. I look up the prognosis: 3-4 years. She is 58. She's young, she's so goddamn young.

I am 140 pounds. I am suffering from body dysmorphia and depression at my lowest weight. I have graduated and still haven't been employed. My mother has a rare liver cancer. This is the year of the pandemic. I don't have any friends. People are dying of COVID-19. I'm terrified of my mom catching this illness with her newfound diagnosis. I don't want to lose her. I start eating. And eating. And eating. To feel happy, to feel something.

1. June. My mother's illness progressed, I have gained about 60 pounds. My mother has lost about 90 pounds. I come back home to be her caretaker for about 4-5 months. She's back in the hospital, doctors say she won't make it to the holidays.

September 2022. She's gone.

December. Currently. I am feeling all of the five stages of grief all at once, along with the PTSD I have from caretaking/hospital stays and major depressive disorder. I think I'm scared. I am about 200 pounds 5'5" now and I want to be healthy. I've stayed in hospitals long enough in my life. But, I feel like I'm doomed. I feel like I can't get out of this toxic relationship with food that's killing me. I don't want to die, but it's hard to find the willpower to help yourself, to eat better, and to exercise everyday when you feel like the world is ending anyway. I feel like I have no control.

Any advice?

submitted by /u/blueagain123
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/zyoohs/how_do_i_lose_weight_if_im_very_depressed_and/