(Buckle up, this is a long post... I’ve never talked about this with anyone other than myself)
Hey! I’m 16F and my whole life I’ve struggled with weight. Ever since we went on winter break this year I’ve done nothing but stuff my face with food 24/7 and lay in bed, and ever since I was a child, my family insisted on stuffing me more and more, which resulted in my current self not knowing how to control this. I weight just below 200 lbs and I’m just 5’6. My BMI is prove that the issue is spiraling out of control. I am, in all the meanings of the word, obese, and it is eating me out... haha.
I’m aware my situation is not as extreme as others, but I also know that if I keep up this disgusting lifestyle I’ll end up even more miserable. Throughout my teen years I’ve tried to go on these diets and pills that would supposedly help me get to a healthy weight, but I’ve never been able to stick to those or even be aware of all the shit I’m eating, at least not until later. I’ve even tried to starve myself or induce vomiting, but I couldn’t stick to those either, I didn’t have enough willpower to go through with any of them.
I won’t stop eating... I am just hungry all the time and it is exhausting. When I’m bored, I’ll eat. Sad? Eat. Gotta do something? Let’s eat while doing it. I am a binge-eater and an over-eater, I’ll even go as far to say that I may be addicted to food, or have another issue related to it.
But it is so hard being the way I am. I know how to loose the weight. I know I just need to drop a few pounds. And I can’t express how much I admire you guys and the people who have turned (or are turning) their lives around in tremendous ways, way more than I need to do. I feel so disgusting and so detached from my own body that it has affected me in other aspects of my life. My self-esteem is at an all time low (it’s never been that high to begin with) and I can’t find the motivation to do anything I used to enjoy. Nothing makes me happy, I don’t know where I want my life to go and some time back I almost tried to end it. I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I hate going shopping. I hate browsing on Pinterest and seeing these amazing outfits and looks that wouldn’t work on me because I’m THAT fat. I am not American, and in my country and surroundings, girls my age are way skinnier, as in healthy, shorter and good looking. I’m the opposite, and I hate the fact that it is my own weight, which I put on myself, which is keeping me from doing what I love or want.
My absolute breaking point happened some weeks ago... I was changing my uniform (after PE, and I study in a private school) and, just standing there, my left knee just POPPED. I felt how it turned left and the pain bolting through my whole leg made me throw myself to the ground in agony. As soon as I hit the floor it popped back to its place (thankfully), but it kept on badly hurting until recently. This was the way my body called me out, and it scared the fuck out of me. I am just 16 and that incident wasn’t normal. At that moment I knew exactly why it happened, and fear of further (permanent) injury or death from this issue made me realize how bad it was getting.
As mentioned, I had tried to loose the weight before but never got serious about it, and as a result, an intense fear rapidly grew inside me. There were days where I would stare, frozen in fear, at any scale that I crossed paths with. I hated myself and wanted nothing to do with my weight, I didn’t even want to know it. Those days were absolute hell. It kept getting worse, but after my knee incident I knew I just couldn’t ignore it any further.
This is what brings us to my initial point... Some days ago I decided to turn my life around and get out of this hell asap. I am getting older and my youth is limited. I feel like I’m wasting my teen years away with some bullshit I brought on myself. I want to be happy. I want to be able to find a SO. I want to date, have sex, be confident, marry this person and live a long and full filling like by his side. I want to study a worthwhile career and get a degree and travel the world and make it better for the future. And I feel like my weight and how I feel about myself is a barrier between those dreams and where I am at the moment.
Despite this, a rush of motivation came that night... November the 25th I decided to loose this weight and live a better life while I still can. The very next morning I woke up early at 6 am and got some nutritious but healthy breakfast. Then, I went into my complex’s gym and did some cardio for half an hour, taking small steps towards a better lifestyle. I still wasn’t able to bring myself to the scale, but I’m getting there. Today I started counting calories. I know how to loose it, I just needed a little push. I am also recording little blogs for my “future self” to watch back and be proud of who we were able to turn into.
I’m trying to fix this mess, and I’m glad I am able to share this wonderful, yet hard experience with all of you, who understand the struggle and motivate each other to go forward. Thank you for making it through this long-ass post, and I hope some months from now I can tell you all that I succeeded. Keep moving forward, and always remember why you started!
Also, sorry for my english, it is my second language.
