I am happy I found this community on reddit. Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this post. I really do appreciate it.
For a little backstory: I am basically at rock bottom. I have been insecure about my body my entire life. I have never been obese, but definitely overweight since I was a kid. I remember feeling fat when I was a little kid. I never felt comfortable in anything I wore. From then on, I always dreaded shopping, never bought jeans, did not like to wear dresses, was insecure around guys, never went swimming, missed out on prom, etc. In my teen years, I started to especially feel terrible about my appearance, but it was still subtle. I didn't realize how severe it would become when I was in my 20s. I started to smoke cigarettes and weed. Once I hit college, I was triggered with panic disorder, which resulted in me binge eating to cope with the panic attacks. I stopped smoking. My mom was diagnosed with depression and other illnesses. I lost friends. I started to gain weight fast, did not go out a lot because of my panic attacks. By the time my panic attacks were under control, I realized I gained 30+ pounds! I was depressed, used to staying home, and then made a decision then and there that I would not leave my house until I lost the weight. That was when I was 19 years old.
I am now a 23 year old woman. Throughout college, I tried to lose weight. I gave myself a million reasons. I had so many reasons to. My examples? Well, I feel terrible all the time. I am overweight for my age. I have missed out on so many experiences because I did not feel good. I haven't started dating yet. I push away my friends and family a lot of the time. My family is miserable over seeing me like this. They are trying so hard to support me, yet I keep messing up.
I want to enjoy my life. I try to go out, but I'm telling you, every time I do I just feel so uncomfortable in my body and feel so unhealthy I just get super down. I need to do this, I just want to do it the right way and stop self sabotaging when I am half way there ya know?
My problem is that every time I start to lose weight, I do self sabotage. I am not sure why that is- and that is why I am here. I have gone on and off '3 healthy meals a day' type of diets. I start to feel happy and when I finally feel this way and see I only have like 15 or so more pounds to go, I self sabotage and start to overeat. I think I freak out maybe, for fear I will fail? I tell myself "Woah, you kinda have a long road ahead of you... why bother."
And I don't even eat junk food. I just have extra quinoa, stuff like that, that makes me gain it. And I know that it will make me gain weight, I feel unhappy as I do it, but for some strange reason I freak out and just keep going. It's like something turns off in my mind and I just let myself gain the weight back.
Now I am back at square one yet again, and I want this so badly to be the last time. I really want to just lose the weight the right way. I want to feel good about my appearance for once in my life. I have dreamt about it for so many years. I have seen people with my body type do it. There is a part of me that just refuses to give up. I know people say that when you lose weight, you won't be happy. But I have experienced it before somewhat, and I can say that I am one of those people that honestly, really are much happier when they feel healthy inside and out.
I feel hopeless. To lose weight now, I don't really know how much protein to have, how many vegetables, nothing. I either eat too little when I start to diet (which makes me gain weight too) or too much when I self sabotage. I just don't understand why I have been in this cycle for so many years now. If I am this miserable over my appearance, why won't I let myself go all the way? I wish someone out there could help me.
Thank you so much for reading.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/qtdd3l/i_cant_break_out_of_this_cycle_ive_been_in_for_a/
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