Hi, TW to those who have struggled with/are struggling with eating disorders. This is going to be a bit long. F(21).
I have struggled with bulimia, binge eating, and atypical anorexia since I was around 10 or 11. My mom is very overweight and she always used to tell me to lose weight when I was younger (including my primary care doctor, I was about 5 to 10 pounds overweight).
I found out at 10 or 11 that I had PCOS and at around 18, I found out I had endometriosis and fibromyalgia (I know that some people think fibromyalgia only effects obese women, but I’ve always been in pain, even when I was small, nobody believed me tho). My mom would grab at anything remotely flabby and tell me to lose it. I started throwing up to make her happy. I once lost nearly 35 pounds in 45 days to make her stop (she didn’t, I was around 14).
Eventually, I stopped, once I was in therapy. But I’ve relapsed a few times. The most recent being this and last year. In 2020 and 2021, I lost about 60 pounds in 4 months (I was about 5 foot 4 and 250 pounds). My mom was very happy. I was throwing up so often that I ended up fainting multiple times. One resulted in a concussion where I hit my head against the bathtub. I then I tried to kill myself because of several things including the way look. I was put in a psych ward and I went from 192 to 224 over the past few months. My mom keeps commenting on my weight and telling me I look heavier than when I was in the hospital (which is true I gained about 30 pounds (was 192), I am now 224 down from 250). She knows I struggle with eating disorders.
I keep lying to her because I can’t take the constant commentary about my weight. I know I eat badly and have a lot of problems with food. I’m trying to slowly do better without triggering my eating disorders. It’s just not good enough for her. Anytime I eat out it’s always about the way she eats now (she’s on a new keto diet due to health reasons) and how I should be wanting to look good. Recently I told her how disgusting I feel about my body and how I can’t even look in the mirror without feeling disgusted. She seemed to understand, especially when I brought up how therapy is helping me get past the disordered eating. But then I asked her if she would ever understand or if I would have to keep explaining it to her. She said something along the lines of she would have to be keep being told. Then, when I went to walk away, she changed her mind. She finally promised to stop. Thing is, she hasn’t. She still comments.
I get that it’s for my own good, but I can’t take it anymore. I hate myself so much and I just want to lose the weight, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I’m underweight anymore. Or if I’m throwing up. Or if I starve myself, I just want to be happy and my family to be happy. I didn’t mention, but I have PCOS, Fibromyalgia, a herniated disc in my lower spine, chronic migraines, and endometriosis so it can be very difficult to lose weight. I have had these issues since I was a child, even when I was skinny, just never diagnosed, except for the PCOS, migraines, and herniated disc. I try my best to do it in a healthy way, but it’s just never enough for her and I end up resorting to disordered eating.
My therapist suggests a nutritionist, but I’m afraid of what they will think. What if they are like my mother and will never be happy with the weight I’ve lost. I have had doctors like that. I think I’m just better off being dead because I’ll never be good enough for her. I know people are going to say I shouldn’t care about her feelings, but it’s not that easy. Even if I use my own money to buy food, she somehow thinks she has a say over what I get. I live with my parents, so really they get the final say unless I sneak it (which I often do), even if I earned the money myself. I earned alot of money from my father’s social security, which I am extremely great full for. Although I do earn some from baby sitting at the moment. I’m trying to cut down. I just feel like I’m not doing it quick enough.
I’m tired and I just want it to end. Every time I start calorie counting I always relapse because I get too into it and don’t know how to stop. I’m so close to relapsing again, I’m thinking of starting again tomorrow. I just want the comments to stop. I can’t stand the way I look and I don’t think any person will be attracted to me due to my weight.
I have tried so many diets and every one has resorted in disordered eating. For context, my mom has fibromyalgia, arthritis, lymphedema, lipedema, and a bunch of other issues. She’s afraid I will develop lymphedema and lipedema and so am I. That’s why she says she’s the way she is, although she was like that before she was diagnosed with Lymphedema and lipedema.
I’m getting a puppy soon and my elevator will be out for 3 months so I will have to carry him up and down 5 flights of stairs 2-3 times a day. I am hoping that will help me lose weight. I am a bit worried about damaging my knee further (I have a calcification in my knee plus an essential tremor that effects my legs). My knee doc told me not to go up and down stairs or hills with that knee, but there’s nothing I can do since we already put down a deposite. My neurologist told me that doing all that will help strengthen my legs to compensate for the essential tremor, but she doesn’t know about the calcification because I forgot to tell her. So idk what’s best anymore.
I don’t know why I’m posting here. I know the problem and how to fix it, I just feel like I’m doing it too slow. I know I shouldn’t care what my mom thinks and I try not to, but it’s just so frequent that I can’t help but listen. Have any of you experienced this? How did you handle it? Am I wrong to be focusing on my mental health rather than my weight rn?
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/r38fhy/how_do_i_lose_weight_properly_tw_eating_disorders/
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