I’m sorry to post a rant but I feel I have nowhere else to turn. No one else who can understand my problems other than folks on Reddit. Brace yourselves because this is a long one. Mild swearing warning. TL;DR at the end.
A little about me before I get into it: I am female, 33 years old, 225 lbs (heaviest I have ever been) and 5’ 6”.
I was a size 16 but have blown up to a size 18 during this last year. To say I am embarrassed is an understatement. I was so ashamed of myself when I went to try on my “normal” size 16 jeans and I can’t even get the zippers to go up over my gut anymore and resort to sweatpants almost 24/7 now. I get angry at myself and sad when I see my gut squish out into a massive muffin top over my waistline that protrudes out past my boobs at this point. Something that didn’t used to be the case. I can’t even bend over to tie my own shoes anymore.
I don’t know how any of you do it. I really don’t. 1200 calorie days? 1600 calories, 1800 calories? I have tried every diet in the world, and I stick with none of them. Keto, Paleo, Gluten-free, Vegetarian, Vegan, Pescatarian, Noom, WeightWatchers, Atkins, “Beach Body”, NerdFitness, Mediterranean, low-carb, no-carb, bro-carb, and NONE of them ever work for me (One of those last few wasn’t real, btw).
It is the same painful cycle over and over again. I get sick of feeling like crap, tired of eating junk food and not taking care of myself. I get inspired by subreddits like this one and other gym/fitness subs to finally shed the pounds, I watch ObeseToBeast on YouTube and look up healthy meals to prep every week. I count the calories, I make the healthy meals, I do some light exercise even if it’s just walking.
I stick with it for two-weeks to a month and usually manage to drop about 10 lbs in my first month or so. Then…the cravings hit. The desire to not cook and just order something to be delivered or run out and get something slaps me in the face. I get tired of always being “on” for losing weight and just want to…not worry about it. Nothing healthy will ever match the same feeling or taste of biting into McDonalds french fries or hot, crunchy, salty, spicy nuggets from Wendy’s. Or a sugary yet bold coffee drink from Starbucks with all the bad shit you can think of in it. Next thing I know, those 10 lbs I spent weeks “starving” myself for are back. And trust me, it feels like I am SO hungry the whole time. I get tired. I want to just sit and do nothing. My work mentally exhausts me so the first thing I do is reach for fat and sugar. And the easier I can get it, the better.
I put in all this effort to eat less and ALL I can do is think of food and when I will eat again. I drink the water. I eat the apples and the salads and protein bars. But nothing. Ever. Works. I just go right back to eating crap. I keep telling myself it takes time. It’s a lifestyle choice. I have to really commit. But every time I do, my friends want to go out and get drinks and share fried appetizers. Then it’s a gateway into allowing myself to eat more bad food as the days wear on.
I hate counting calories. I dread adding calories in MyFitnessPal and realizing I have more than half my day to get through and I only have 700 calories left for the WHOLE REST OF THE DAY. All I can think about is food. All I can think of is how hungry I am. Counting calories just makes me think of it more and makes it worse. It reminds me that I can’t have the big Starbucks drink I want every day. It reminds me that when I go out with friends or if the family invites me over for pizza, I get one tiny serving (if any) while the rest of them engorge themselves on pleasure. I feel like I am always hungry and no amount of water or tea will help. I am also super picky with what I eat and I hate most vegetables so there’s that.
Don’t get me started on exercise. I move for 20-seconds, and I am out of breath. A flight of stairs may as well be a 10-mile marathon. I am huffing, puffing and already out of energy so fast that any routine feels like I am dying. And no, it doesn’t feel good when I am done. I feel like I want to collapse on the floor. I can’t do 90% of the moves/exercises in these videos any way. I can do a downward dog in yoga for 3-seconds before I am on my knees wondering why I am even trying. I have joined gyms before too. I go multiple times a week for my first month before I lose all interest and don’t want to go back anymore and cancel my membership. Personal training is too expensive and the one time I did do it, my trainer would ask me if I stuck with the diet plan and did the exercise she asked me to do that week. Sometimes I would, but most of the time, I didn’t. Then I would feel bad, like my trainer was a parent guilting me for not doing well enough. What do you think this caused me to do? If you guessed, “drive home but make sure to stop by Taco Bell first”, you would be right.
Again, I am sorry for this rant. It’s a cry for help and I don’t know who else to go to. I don’t know how to establish a healthy relationship with food. I know I am an emotional eater and by trying to do well on any diet and failing in even the slightest, I just eat more and go back to my old habits. As Fat Bastard once famously said, “I eat because I am sad. I am sad because I eat.” And it is one horrible viscous cycle that I cannot seem to get out of no matter how hard I try.
I am tired of hating the way I look. I am tired of wearing dresses and feeling and looking like a blimp when I do. I am tired of seeing myself in photos and videos and thinking “Oh my god, I’m a fucking whale”. I am tired of standing next to all my skinny friends and watching them all get dates while I sit on the sidelines feeling like a fat, unattractive oaf. At one point, I was 170 lbs and felt great. I am believing at this point in my life, I may never see a number like that again if I stay on this road.
Maybe I am in need of a serious reality check to get what I want. Is there anyone in this sub who has felt like I have and actually succeeded long term? I know I deserve better. I just don’t know how to get there.
TL;DR – I am a fatty who can’t be bothered to track calories or do exercise because I despise both. I’ve tried every diet ever created on this planet and don’t stick with anything and feel totally lost.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/qpwh8k/i_dont_know_what_else_to_do/
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