So, there are likely a few reasons that I haven’t dated anyone in a long, looooong time. But I’m internalizing bad reasons for being single right now, and I’m making myself sad.
The last relationship I was in was thirteen years ago. I was twenty, bad break up with someone I—in hindsight—realized I wasn’t really that into, and I was SMO back then too so I decided I wouldn’t date until I lost my weight. I must have used it as a crutch because I’ve stayed overweight since and never dated again. I wanted to focus on myself, too, though. I decided to go to college. I wanted to figure out who I was. It wasn’t until my last year of college that I had a serious unrequited love situation.
Then I got sick about a year after college and was pretty bed bound for about five years. There was no way I was dating anyone and I didn’t go anywhere. I was super, super sick. Wound up being autoimmune and I got diagnosed after five years of hell and am being treated so I’m doing better.
During the pandemic, and after almost dying from covid (as if I needed more), I started to realize that I REALLY want to be married. I want a partner. I’m craving that intimacy and companionship, but I don’t know how to get that now. I feel like you can’t get that sort of thing. That it happens when it happens. But I’m about to be thirty three. I’m still living with my parent. And my hair is thin from almost dying from covid and losing a lot of it. Though it should grow back. I pray.
I don’t know how to date and be this big. I hate my body. I am not attracted to me and know the pool of people being attracted to me is going to be low and maybe made up of people I’m not into. I’m really not in a great place in my life right now. I’m still trying to find my way into a new career after being ill. I’m trying to lose my weight. I’m not feeling good about myself at all. And I’m watching everyone even younger than me get married and start this fun looking life. And I’m craving sex so much. But I would never want anyone to see my body the way it looks. I know it’s going to be a challenge even when I lose my weight because I have over 160lbs to lose.
I’ve always let my weight dictate my life. I didn’t go away to college because I felt too fat to. Like why should I live on campus and have fun when I look like this? I didn’t let myself apply for super ambitious jobs and positions in film when I worked in that because I felt like I’d do it when I lost weight and looked more appealing. And now I haven’t dated at all in years. I don’t want to miss that train. I’m just feeling old and unacceptably fat and like a loser and really badly about myself.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/sb64ny/dating_when_smo/
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