hi there :(
ive been fluctuating between being slightly to very overweight since i was 14. im 21 now (female) and since the pandemic started ive gained way too much weight. im now obese (above the maximum bmi so i dont even know what my actual bmi is) and i look at photos of myself from only a year ago and I think to myself "how could i possibly have been unhappy with that body?" i cant believe what ive done to myself and my body. now to give some more insight:
im 5'8 (172 cm) and.. probably way above 100kg. i havent checked in a while because i am way too afraid. i know im gonna have a mental breakdown if i go step on the scale so i just avoid it. what i do know is that its definitely at least 100kg because it was above that number last time i weighed myself, and i have definitely not lost any weight since then, ive probably put more on.
ive also been dealing with depression and anxiety, and possibly other conditions since the age of 13/14. my way of coping with my emotions has always been to just eat. its now turned into a mix of eating my feelings but also just having gotten used to eating all the time that i cant help but not eat if im just bored, or just need to do something. this went on until i graduated in 12th grade and left school, and i finally felt like i could freely express myself. i went for a haircut, me and my best friend have always wanted to lose weight so we built up the courage to go to the gym and it was honestly one of the best periods of my life. i would often go to the gym on my own, i didnt feel anxious or afraid to run on the treadmill and do other workouts. i just did my own thing and it felt amazing. eventually, even after only 1-2 months results started to show. shorts that usually fit me just fine would slide off a bit, and i just felt so great overall.
then comes covid, and so i no longer was able to manage my depression. even though i had always stayed inside my room, just playing games and being on my computer alone all day, it suddenly felt so damn awful not having the option to go outside, i know many people will know what i mean so im not gonna go too in depth about this part. basically, the pandemic ruined what i had going on for me. the gyms obviously closed. and without the routine workout schedule i wasnt able to maintain a healthier diet either. everything in my life just went downhill.
even though i moved countries to go to university and live near my boyfriend, those things alone didnt help me stay stable. i have no support system here, parents arent an option either, i dont speak to my dad and the relationship with my mother is so toxic that i prefer not speaking to her unless she wants to. i wasnt able to make friends at uni either because it was all online and reaching out to people was hard enough for me already.
ever since i moved from germany to the UK (august 2020) i have just been stress eating, and eating myself away mentally. my mental and physical health are both the worst theyve ever been, and i dont know how to help myself.
i cant even walk past mirrors anymore, or go outside and see other people without feeling like im unbelievably ugly and anyone who sees me will think of me as this disgusting human being. i avoid meeting up with my boyfriends mother and brother because i am so ashamed of myself. i was planning to visit germany this year in summer but seeing how i look i just know i cant go unless i magically lose a ton of weight. my family is very judgmental. and i dont wanna come back after a year and a half and show them what ive done to myself.
now that ive just trauma dumped for no reason (i apologize, i just thought it could help add context to my story and explain that my weight gain hasnt just been me eating too much for fun) i guess this is where my question comes in. what steps should i take? i am terrible at staying on track with things. im already planning on calling my gp tomorrow to arrange an appointment to talk about getting antidepressants so they can at least help me with my uni work (university has been going terribly as well). but aside from that i dont know where to begin. i dont know what to eat that would be better for me but also not too big of a change so that i dont force myself into something im not mentally ready for.
my uni has a gym that i could go to (15 gbp a month) but it is a 30 minute walk away and im scared of paying for something i wont use. and i am so afraid of people at the gym looking at me and thinking ''what an ugly fuck''..
how often should i go if i do get the membership? do i only do cardio? what kind of diet can i try to be healthier? what else can i do to improve my physical health in general? and most of all - to all the people who struggle with mental illness but have managed to become healthier physically - how did you do it? i have so many problems going on in my life currently that i feel extremely overwhelmed and i dont really know where to start. any, seriously ANY advice will be appreciated. if you have read this far, thank you so much.
and once again, sorry if all these negative thoughts of mine are inappropriate on here. i just dont feel right explaining my situation without being completely transparent about how im actually feeling mentally.
[link] [comments]
source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/sgo7ue/best_way_to_start_losing_weight_and_staying_on/
No comments:
Post a Comment