I’ve always been aware of myself. I don’t know how I can be so aware yet still make bad decisions. Can anyone answer that while I’m here?
What’s really bothering me is that, like today, I’m eating a lot and definitely over my calorie limit. I’m working to lose weight. A lot of it. I have a horrible relationship with food, my body, “dieting,” and my weight. Big ED history. Diet culture family. Fcked up dysfunctional family.
So, I was actually doing okay today. I went to McDonald’s while out to get French fries. A habit I’ve sort of formed. I don’t do it very often at all. But maybe once a week or once every few weeks when I’m out shopping. Today I made myself order the medium. I didn’t want to though. Like, I’m a child. I had to just put my foot down with myself and order the medium. I told myself I wanted to start making good choices. Then, the fries actually sucked. There was a huge line. Usually that means things will be good, but not this time. So i really only had about ten fries and told myself to throw them away because it wasn’t worth the calories if I wasn’t really enjoying it.
Then I got a sugar free shaken iced espresso with soy milk. I had to go to the grocery store, and was really craving chicken tikka masala. So I got the frozen meal to have once I got home. Great. Doing good so far.
I get home and eat it. Wind down after running errands, and then I want to have some soup. Lovely. But, then I get a hankering to want to eat this pizza I made the other day. Like a homemade pizza. I wind up eating two and a half slices of that. Then I take out some yellow rice that was cooked the other day and eat some. THEN I eat the soup. My mom even made this comment like, “you’re eating pizza, yellow rice, white rice, and soup?” I almost choked because the way she said it was really funny. But I also just kept eating and was like…I’m not even enjoying this. I didn’t even want to do this. I keep thinking there’s tomorrow, but I reminded myself that tomorrow gets here and I’m not where I want to be every single time that day comes.
This time last year I truly believed I would be halfway to my weight loss goal, and here I am, the same as last year. I don’t know how I do this to myself. Repeatedly let myself down. Like I don’t know any other way. And then I also kept thinking that I keep shoving this food into my mouth and for what? I’m not even hungry anymore. And then I’m wondering what void I am trying to fill. I know I’m unhappy. I’m a bit lost in my career right now. Not making the money I want to be. Not where I want to be in life or where I thought I’d be. Lots of family issues and disconnect, but probably for the best. I’m very lonely and sort of think I always have been. Or maybe I’m just a depressed person and will always feel like there’s something missing all of the time. I’m on antidepressants. And I don’t know. I am certain that I don’t know how to cope with anything in any other way than food. It’s been like this my whole life. I soothe myself with food. I hurt myself with food. I celebrate myself with food. This is all deeply, deeply ingrained in me. Thinking about saying no to myself regarding food makes me feel extremely anxious, which lets me know that I need to do that and replace it with something else. But what?
Honestly, I feel like I’m too smart to keep doing this to myself. And, actually, sincerely, I feel like I am really going to do something bad to myself health wise. I am over 300. I’m 5’4. I already have health issues. I have idiopathic intracranial hypertension, which may actually be caused by weight. And I have an autoimmune disease. But I’m truly beginning to feel like a stroke or heart attack are somewhere around the corner. It’s definitely too much weight for my frame. I feel uncomfortable all the time. But, even that doesn’t force change immediately. It makes me feel so sad and sick for myself.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/u5bvhz/aware_of_using_food_to_comfort_myself_but_wont/
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