A bit of history, I’ve had BED and sometimes Bulimia since about the age of 11, and I’m currently 24. Through that time my weight has yo-yo a lot, from 110lb at my smallest to 160lb at my highest (I’m 5’2.) I’m currently 145lbs and feeling very bad about myself, especially because I work as an actor and need to treat my body as a tool of my trade, and it’s currently failing me in that regard.
The fact of the matter is I’m not prepared to live being overweight and I refuse to keep gaining or maintaining. I know perhaps I should address this, but due to the industry I work in I can’t afford to deny the fact that I won’t work as much if I’m seen as fat. I also just can’t stand to look at myself at the moment and honestly I’m disgusted by what I am. Losing weight is an easier fix than years of therapy (which I can’t currently access atm, and when I’ve tried to access it before been told I’m too fat to have an ED…so yeah)
I go through periods of trying to be recovered and periods where I fast, and periods where I binge or b/p. And recovery doesn’t work for me as I still binge, and without a way to counteract that, I gain weight instead. I’ve been successful with WW and SW before, done healthier versions of CICO, but also I’ve been successful with simply not eating, albeit for less amounts of time, but with the same overall effect of eventual weight gain as when I try to be healthy about it.
And tbh, sometimes it feels easier to restrict a lot and fast, then it is to eat and try not to binge.
I feel stuck at the moment, constantly having to decide whether to eat or not, as there’s no normal eating for me. There’s also the fact that…I can’t really afford to eat properly. Eating at maintenance is not something I can afford to do, which makes high restriction and fasting a more attractive prospect.
At the moment the healthier options have simply left me plateauing and still triggers binging. And how can I bare to lose 1lb a week, knowing I can gain more than that in a single day?
I dont know. I dont know what to do. I’m overwhelmed and desperate and just need to lose this weight. What diet should I do? Why shouldn’t I just starve myself - Jared Leto, Christian bale etc did it? I dont care about my health at this point, only my weight. I feel trapped and it doesn’t look like there’s a way out.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ufntfn/why_does_starving_feel_like_my_only_option_tw/
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