I’ve been in relationships and have had interest from men despite being obese for all of my dating years. I’m 40 now, though, and the sagging skin and other changes(I hate my skin/hair now) have taken a further blow to my already very low self esteem. I’m working on my weight(I restrict calories, I work out) but that’s something I could say for the last 23 years of my life. I’ve lost(with MUCH effort) and I’ve regained and I’m accepting that I’ll probably always be some degree of overweight. I have a chronic illness unrelated to weight and that’s one contributing factor.
It’s important to me that I find someone who can be attracted to me even at my heaviest, which has been the case in past relationships. It’s also how I am as well. The man I’m involved with is also insecure about his weight but I’ve reassured him - with full honesty - that I would still be attracted to him even if he were to gain a significant amount of weight and I’m very attracted to his current overweight body. He’s said I’ve helped him to feel more comfortable in his own skin and confident sharing himself(nudes, etc) with me. I’m happy to have helped and my compliments are genuine and come from an excited, expressive place.
It hasn’t really been the case for me. And one recent experience left me in tears. I was about to work out and I made a joke about how “I better get to it; I know you want me to lose at least 10 stones.” And his reply was “haha but how could I know that yet?” By that he meant, I haven’t sent full nudes and I haven’t told him my weight. We’ve shared practically everything else with each other, we write huge emails, & we talk for hours every day but this issue just hasn’t been fully addressed. And his response was so upsetting for me. I’m attracted to this man exactly as he is and would still be attracted to him even if he became obese. The past men I’ve allowed into my life have assured me similarly. After he made that comment, he made another one that was something to the effect of “do you also want me to lose weight?”
I want him to be healthy and I want to be healthy for him but we are both actually pretty dedicated to healthy & ethical eating. Neither of us has high blood pressure, diabetes, or high cholesterol. We both get some form of daily exercise, though I admittedly need to do a lot more.
But it hurts that he seemingly wants me to lose weight. His exes were not overweight and his sister, who he is very close to, has always been a very conventionally attractive woman. I feel myself starting to withdraw from him as I feel I can’t compare to the women he’s had/has in his life.
I of course plan to talk to him and we speak very openly about every other topic but my more subtle attempts to talk about my overall insecurities with my appearance just haven’t gone anywhere. And somehow often result in me building him up instead. When I’ve brought up my weight concern in particular, he’s said he’d write an email but that email never comes.
Should I exit this situation with someone I am otherwise very into and very compatible with and have soo much in common with, which is a rare find? I’m at a point in my life where, after experience significant loss & trauma particularly in the last 6 years, I’m really wanting to settle down with someone and enjoy the years I have left. I want to feel as secure as possible, I want to feel like my partner is attracted to me(he says he is), & I want to have an enjoyable sex life like I’ve had in the past. I don’t know if that’s possible if he really does want me to lose weight for attraction reasons. I mean, it definitely wouldn’t be possible.
Any advice for addressing this with him and managing my insecurities would be appreciated.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/u59e75/another_dating_while_fat_post_im_thinking_about/
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