I did my first ever reformer pilates class today with two individuals (one is an online friend I met via Instagram but have never hung out with in person and the other one was her friend, a complete stranger). This was also my first time socializing since before the pandemic so there was a lot of new things happening and I was probably way more awkward and anxious and word-vomitty than I wanted to be. Anyway, it was a private 1 hour session in a woman's basement, and the instructor was super chatty and asking us questions to get to know us. Early in the session, she asked me if I have always been this tiny.
It caught me off guard and I jovially said no, that that is not something I see or have ever saw myself as.
After a couple more exchanges, she then told me that I clearly have a lot of baggage.
Baggage, of which, I then fixated upon for the rest of the session. It brought up all sorts of negative feelings. Feelings of guilt for self-deprecatingly denying my petiteness in front of people who were bigger than me; of resentment towards all the people in my past who bullied me and convinced me I was fat despite being nowhere near overweight and giving me this body dysmorphia in the first place, and disappointment in my lack of confidence and self-actualization, which I thought had improved a lot over the past few months. When she asked me that question, I reverted back to my old self, the one who thought I was too heavy at 5'3" and 130lbs.
Trauma can really fuck up your self-perception. Most days I'm really proud of myself, of how I look and what I can accomplish and I try to be as kind as possible. But that question and my answer....it just threw me for a loop.
I'll likely not be returning. She also told me that I was inflexible because I told her I lift weights 4x a week and wanted to do pilates on my day off. Today was literally the only availability she had and the fact that I did it despite requesting another day was sort of proof that I was not inflexible.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I guess I just wanna say, please be kind to yourself. Our brains can be master manipulators and sneaky saboteurs when we least expect it.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ubzi69/some_thoughts_on_body_dysmorphia/
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