For some background: 27f, 5'6", 160 lbs (goal 140-145lbs).
Growing up I was never taught healthy eating habits. In HS I was "mildly chubby" but taught myself how to lose weight by restricting and walking. I was never very athletic though and had no idea how to work out. I went from 155lbs to 143-145lbs (I am just under 5'6"). In undergrad I managed to maintain for the first 2 years, got super depressed by junior year and shot up to 156lbs. Then I met my ex. He was big on fitness and would make passive aggressive comments about wanting me to be healthier ("oh yeah I used to date a runner so I am used to a runners body blah blah blah or "are you sure you should be eating that? while he proceeds to eat that same thing). We were together for two years and in that time I learned how to cook (no one had previously taught me so I ate a lot of junk) and learned to workout (mainly just cardio and some HIIT). I lost 20 lbs and weighed 135 lbs. The lowest I had been. I maintained this from the time I graduated undergrad in 2016 all the way until this damn pandemic. During the pandemic, I was also with a new bf (now ex) who basically never worked out, loved junk, but also didn't really gain weight. But he would never eat healthy and always wanted me to "just eat tasty food with him." So I did.
Now I am in graduate school (Since January 2020) and I am trying to get myself on track and I just can't. I currently weigh 160 lbs (the heaviest I have ever been). My self-esteem is 0. Every-time I get on track, something happens. Either exams get in the way, depression, my bad knee, or most recently a hip injury. I was FINALLY going to the gym regularly. I was focused more on building muscle to burn fat through lifting and now I can't do that because my lower back and right hip are killing me (even when I just work on my upper body). I can't bike or use the stair master. I haven't been able to run in a long time because of my knee so that's been off the table. Basically all I can do right now is watch what I eat and go for walks. I manage to do really well with calorie restricting for like 2-3 days and then it all falls apart again because of stress or going out with my current partner or my roommate. I am working on cutting out alcohol or extra sugars. But that's all I can seem to manage. I just really wanted to be at my new goal by summer
Also more on the hip injury: xray showed "wear and tear" damage to my hip join and my doctor says I have muscle spasms in my lower back. I start PT next week and I have been holding off on trying swimming until I see a PT. But fingers crossed I get the green light to swim so I can do some kind of workout.
Anyways, I just wanted to vent. I hate my own reflect, I know I shouldn't but I do. I feel like a failure. I know I am not but I feel like one. I just don't know how to get on track consistently again.
tl;dr: long history of weight fluctuation from 135-160 and now I am stuck at 160 and I can't get on track.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/uakiys/its_just_not_happening_for_me/
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