https://i.imgur.com/Xy5MQL5.jpg
Nobody saw : how my back ached at the end of the day. How my shoulders and neck were constantly strained from carrying the weight of my chest. Me hiding the evidence of eating a large pizza, garlic bread, chips, a can of Pringles and 3 Magnums in one sitting, because I was so disgusted in how much I could eat. The way I would be so amazed every morning that the scale was going up because I couldn’t believe the numbers in front of my eyes. The search history on my phone that was full of diets, surgeries, nutritionists even weight loss hypnotists. My bank balance showing hundreds of dollars each week on takeout. The clothes put straight back on the racks after walking out of changing rooms with such frustration - blaming the store’s sizing or mirrors for nothing “suiting” me. The disappointment I would feel when I realised I wasn’t strong enough to lift my body weight in the gym. The confusion around the pair of jeans I just bought not fitting, and how had they got “tighter” all of a sudden. The envy I felt wishing I had literally ANY other person’s body, other than my own. Pain in my ankles and hips at the end of the day. Overwhelming obsessions I had with food, calories, BMRs, diets, hunger. The comparison game I played with every other female I saw. The thoughts in my head when I would see photos of myself, or glance my reflection in a mirror. The fear I felt about my future health. How terrified I was to have the above picture taken, because I hadn’t been seen in only my underwear by anyone in years.
People only saw me getting smaller.
They also didn’t see : the weeks where I didn’t eat anything at all. My camera roll full of images of my body - desperate to see changes. The faintness, dizziness, headaches, fatigue, nausea. The fear I felt when food was placed in front of me that I didn’t want to eat. The amount of times I ran my fingers over my ribs to see how close they were to the skin. The pressure to continue shrinking, and how I could maintain that. Me only eating cheese for weeks because the craving was so intense for that alone, that it was all I could stomach. The wonder of seeing a smaller number on the scale but the same reflection in the mirror. The deleted social media accounts because the comparison changed from every day “real” bodies, to the ones of models and athletes. Hours spent analysing burnt calories in the gym. Heart rates of over 210bpm exercising on such an empty stomach. Stress levels that suppressed my appetite to the point where the idea of eating made me feel physically sick. Fleeting moments of actual euphoria every time someone noticed my weight loss or called me thin. Misery that comes with side effects of restriction as a coping mechanism to regain some sense of control. The way food became something I could only enjoy when I felt as though something “good” had happened, so my mind was at ease enough to eat. The stupid and very, very wrong illusion of acceptance, now that I am walking around in a smaller body. The guilt around being proud of this smaller body, knowing the way it was achieved.
Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that the exterior has changed. I am grateful that my BODY is now considered to be healthy. I love that being lighter means I can physically do things I couldn’t before. But this has not been easy, nor healthy at many times. The truth is, that these external changes have only come as a result of a very dark internal battle. And that while according to a piece of paper, or a photograph, I’ve been “successful” - really, unless your mind is healthy, it doesn’t matter what you look like. It doesn’t matter what anyone else sees. Society tells us we are more acceptable in a smaller body. More beautiful. More desirable. More successful. When in reality this is simply a shell we are walking around in. Acceptance, beauty, desirability, success, mean nothing at all unless they are reflected on the inside. If you are struggling with your mind while attempting to achieve some sort of external transformation, please know it cannot be fully appreciated unless you make an internal transformation along with it. It truly is what’s on the inside that really counts.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/rd25nh/50lbs_down_in_18months_food_for_thought/
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