I am in the process of looking for an eating disorder specialist for a therapist. I know I need it reeeeally badly, but…if you don’t mind me coming here to vent and get some support…
I’ve been on my weight loss journey (forever, it seems) for going on three weeks now. Last time I weighed myself, two weeks ago, I was 312. Down two pounds from the week prior. Threes is the heaviest I’ve ever been. My highest was 335, from what I saw. Could have been more at points where I wasn’t paying attention at all. I was chronically ill, not yet diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that was crippling me. So, I put the tiny bit of happiness I could muster into food.
I have a history of starvation eating disorders. Twelve through about seventeen I struggled with anorexia and bulimia. I was even hospitalized twice for it. Long term stays. Inpatient. I had always been an overweight kid and then I found the other side of disordered eating. I became the thinnest i’d ever been in life. Food and eating disorders have ruled over my life. I was left back in HS because of my absences and cutting classes because I was not in my right mind while starving myself. I made a lot of bad choices. It seems I’m always not making the greatest choices. But I’m working on becoming better at it.
I want to lose my weight for good this time, and healthfully, and become healthy. I’ve given myself a goal of losing my excess weight (about 165lbs, blows my mind) by the time I’m thirty five. Which is in about two years. I’ve been counting calories well for two weeks. I didn’t want to weigh myself last week because I wasn’t feeling mentally healthy about it. And then I wanted to enjoy Chinese food today, so saved over 900 calories throughout the week so I had about 3,000 to use today. I didn’t get through all of them, and I’m so happy about it. I almost didn’t want to use what I’d worked so hard to save.
I’m wearing tighter pants today. Ate way less calories than I thought I would. Just set my calories a bit lower to lose 1.5lbs per week without activity, while hoping to add activity in and just not count it. And I have that fcked up, almost drug-like excitement and feeling about being restrictive. It’s a different feeling than binging and being out of control. This is a feeling of supreme control. It feel sexy and almost dominating.
I’m trying not to pay too much attention to myself. I’m trying to just allow this feeling to pass through me, remind myself that I’m working on my health and healthy weight loss. That my calories are healthy and perfect for weight loss. And maybe that it’s even okay to feel good over having more control over my body and my health, and that it doesn’t need to be an evil feeling, or menacing. It’s just crazy to me how easily it comes back. It’s been over twelve years since I did any of those starvation tactics, but it’s waiting right there to creep up on me. Something in me just likes being unhealthy. Or maybe I just don’t know what healthy looks and feels like. I think it’s because my family always made me feel so bad about everything, and I didn’t have a parent that was strong enough to show me a way away from that. But I’m really working to find it and the balance. I have to make it for myself now.
Anyways. Thanks for letting me vent.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/rolud9/its_crazy_to_me_how_disordered_my_eating_is_or_my/
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