I've taken time to reflect on different phases of my life and how my different behaviors led to my changes in weight gain across these phases.
This is a post about
- how I've learned to accept where I am with my physical (and secondarily mental) health, and
- how I think I can move forward with self-love, patience, and forgiveness as I attempt to change the trajectory of my health.
It's the same song and dance many of you have been through. I have tried many attempts to lose weight, mostly focusing on restrictive behaviours (e.g., excluding food groups, restricting eating windows) followed by throwing in the towel and deciding to eat whatever I want or even having episodes of binge eating.
Here's a brief outline of what I experienced at different stages of my life and some behaviours I thought was contributing to my weight in those periods:
Adolescence: I lost a parent as a child, grew up extremely insecure, and I remember turning to food as an adolescent and this habit carried forward and I believe has matured into an emotional eating behaviour now. I weighed about 130 lbs as a young teen.
Early 20s: I dedicated my time at the gym (carved it into my schedule and journaled progress) and weighed 115-125lbs. I remember easily running 5 miles 4x/week and still lifting regularly. This was by far the most fit of my life and the best time of my life for clothes shopping - too bad I was only a student at the time!
Mid 20s & marriage: I stopped exercising nearly as much and started to pick up eating habits of my husband's including eating bigger portions, nighttime eating, going out to restaurants more, and having more junk food. My weight got up to 150-155 lbs here.
Late 20s & baby #1: I had my first-born and ate everything including 1000 calories breakfasts and zero exercise as I was misinformed on exercise & pregnancy. I exclusively breastfed and settled at 175 lbs postpartum. I then started exercising more, followed keto-based diet and got my weight down to settle around 150 lbs when baby was about 2 years old.
Baby #2: Unlike with first baby, I stayed exercising pretty regularly while pregnant. It didn't take long for my weight to get back down to 175 lbs after baby. I kept this weight steady until...
Pandemic: Honestly I don't know what it was here... again likely reverting back to emotional eating with the changes and stressors during adjusting with the pandemic, that my weight got up to 195 lbs
Early - mid 30s & baby #3: Again, back to exclusively breastfeeding, not sleeping regularly at night. Weight is settling at 215-220 lbs (baby is 6 months) and I can't tell you the number of times I've failed at low-carb, CICO, intuitive eating. Emotional eating, rationalizing behaviours (e.g., the voice that says "what the heck just eat this pizza, and after that go on reddit and read about people's success stories on r/progresspics to inspire yourself"), and beating myself up for failing has consumed my day, while at the same time I find myself thinking about what my next meal will entail.
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What I've failed to tell you, is the same things I have failed to tell myself ... the devil was in the details all these years.
1) My treat indulgence has gone from "live a little" to "live like a rotund gourmand every night". I look at junk food now and tell myself "of course you can indulge, don't cut out any food, as there's no such thing as good/bad food but everything in moderation is ok" - which is the same narrative I used to tell myself when I was in the fit 20's phase. BUT, the catch is that in the past, I would indulge in these treats maybe 1-2/month, whereas ever since getting married, and particularly ever since the last 5 years, I've been indulging in these treats EVERYDAY! Yet, I still used the same thought process that I was being non-restrictive and that it was mentally healthy to indulge.
2) Movement adds up, including walking to work and exercising a couple times a week. During the pandemic, with staying at home for work, I stopped walking to work which means I lost 1 hour of walking a day, 5x a week. I also suffer from a perfectionist attitude and decided that if I couldn't get a regimented workout plan stuck, then it's not worth exercising at all. So I basically live a completely sedentary life other than chasing after kids which has gotten tougher the heavier I've become. Yes it's great that I used to exercise 5x/week and run 25 miles a week while lifting, but I also cut out some awesome non-exercise activity time by not walking nearly as often as I used to and not exercising at all just because it won't be as often as I like.
3) It's okay to have some rules to live by, and it doesn't mean you're being restrictive. Back in my more fit/healthier weight days, I used to have a rule where I would NOT eat late at night, and I would be mindful of the carb portions (e.g., wouldn't have 3 full plates of rice like I have been in my 30s). I also would keep mental track of how often I was eating out, and had a set number of meals I ate. Nowadays, I'm more like a tornado in the kitchen shoving whatever into my mouth, having meals but then having food right after just because it's there or because my family are eating off sync with me. This can easily lead up to thousands of calories consumed in a day (yes I've counted it before). I also used to have a water bottle rule (e.g., drink and refill water bottle 3 times throughout day), and now I honestly only remember to drink because I'm breastfeeding and I get parched. I also don't need to be the "garbage" and it's okay to let food not get eaten by me and it's okay to throw it out, it doesn't need to be eaten by me - I don't need to be the garbage bin for food.
4) It's okay to ask for help and you don't have to live life on hard mode. I'm not going to deny that life is more "full" now that I've got my own family and have my career on track. So yes, the hours in a day and life in general looks much more different than my early 20s when I was single and could do whatever I wanted with my day. Like I said, I have attempted several different methods to lose weight. But what I have failed to do is come back to reflect on some of these behaviours. I've been taking a more honest look to analyze my eating behaviours, the timing, stomach fullness vs satisfying mouth's need for flavour sensation, and urge to eat food just because it's in front of me. I have decided to seek out an eating disorder therapist to help me with understanding why I use food as a coping mechanism and how to have a healthier relationship with food. I also may consider visiting a weight loss clinic to couple a supervised eating plan while I'm going through therapy. I never learned to deal with my childhood trauma and I think there are some things to unpack and unlearn then relearn here. I think a lot of my attempts have been "bandaids" with quick drops in weight then the weight comes back up and even higher. But there were some behaviours I've developed lately that I can't ignore, like eating treats in secret because I'm ashamed for anyone seeing me. I deserve the time and effort to get to a better place mentally and physically, and I don't have the same type of time I had in my early 20s. I'm happy about reaching out and asking for help as I make space and time for investing in myself. I'll be a better mom, partner, and person for it.
Anyway, I've written this to primarily put my thoughts out on paper, but also I'm not sure what aspects of this would connect with anyone who may be going through some similar aspects. I now realize that it wasn't some special workout regimen and eating plan or high speed metabolism. I realize that I have done a 180 on several important habits that all could have added up to having lasting impacts on healthy weight maintenance. Similarly, I've ignored several sabotaging habits and never thought to seek help. I will keep track of these things moving forward and having it written out to read for myself helps for sure. Perhaps step 1 in all of this has been awareness and acknowledgement and learning how to strengthen these connections so it becomes automatic to catch myself and eventually get back to healthy micro-habits.
Despite being nearly 100 lbs over where I'd like to be, I am finally coming from a place of love and not self-hate in my determination to heal and improve my health.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. <3
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/10nxxjy/im_a_35_yo_mom_of_3_54_and_i_finally_understand/
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