I've been overweight my entire life. As a kid, my mom felt bad about giving me a shitty dad and she used food as a way to subvert the damage that came from having him in my life ... as opposed to just leaving him. She also lacked the capacity to be emotionally supportive and regularly relied on me to be her anchor, to help her with her issues, to solve adult problems with her. Her making me food was the only time I actually felt like she was caring for me. Food became a coping mechanism for me. Eating was the only time I'd feel any sort of comfort. This went on for a long time. Well on into my 20's, depression, and an unhealthy culture of overworking.
But the truth is that I'm not that person anymore. I'm in a better place in literally every possible way. I love who I am, I love my life, I love the kinds of work I get to do. I'm still working on certain things and I know that I'll always be a work in progress. The one area I've been largely ignoring is my weight. I thought that if I focused on building healthy habits and on being more active that I wouldn't have to think much about it and that it would naturally get better as my lifestyle invited a healthier me into the picture. I figured that being so overweight would make it easy to at least get started and start seeing some progress.
The first thing I did was go see a doctor. He ran a bunch of tests on me and concluded that while my thyroid levels were on the cusp of being underactive, but not enough to put me on any kind of medicine. Next problem was my nutritional deficiency. Iron being the biggest culprit. The iron pills they had me on made me sick to my stomach, sending me to the ER several days a month. I also had low blood sugar and low blood pressure. He put me on a strict diet and exercise regime, mainly walking 3k a day. It went on like this for 6 months. I stuck with the iron pills and the diet and the exercise. I tracked my walking and my food on an app and the doctor would follow up with me every other week to see how I was doing/feeling. I was so excited for my follow up appointment. I was so stoked to see what kind of progress I had made. I lost .5kg. In 6 months. My heart absolutely dropped. I had worked so hard for what felt like nothing.
He wanted to put me on a medicine that would shrink the size of my stomach and lower the amount of food I was eating and increase my exercise levels. But honestly, at this point I was crushed and I no longer felt listened to. I couldn't continue with the iron pills, they were absolute torture even on the days where I didn't get so sick as to go to the ER. I couldn't continue with the non sustainable and unsatisfying diet. I went home and spent the last 13 months dealing with the mentality of what that experience had done to me. It made me feel stuck and unable, two things I firmly know in the depths of my soul that I am not. I'm awesome and I can do anything. I'm the girl who always gets everything she wants without fail. This is going to be no different. I've also spent the last year learning what kinds of physical movement I actually enjoy, what my body is capable of, and how beautiful my body truly is, exactly as it is. Learning about metabolism, hormones, food intake, the importance of protein, arming myself with a variety of tools.
One of the reflections I've made is about WHY I want to lose weight. It's not about being more beautiful (as if I could even) or more confident or more happy. It's about being more comfortable. I love to travel and I have to squeeze in my tummy and be a bit uncomfortable when I buckle into my seat. I always pay extra for a window seat, not just because I love the window seat, but because the thought of having to unbuckle to let someone else get up and having to buckle up again is a nightmare. I love to dance and when I go dancing, I get winded after only a few songs and then I can't go as hard or for as long as my heart truly wishes it could. I want to make peace with the stairs and not look at them with disdain while I'm waiting for the elevator. I would LOVE to try rock climbing and being able to do handstands, and those things are just exponentially easier the less I weigh. Walking for 10k a day when I travel would be easier and less exhausting. I want to lose weight because I want to have more energy to devote to the life I love so much.
I'm ready to try again. My way this time. My groceries arrive on Tuesday and I've blocked out time for physical activity on my schedule for the week. I fully believe that this time, with more knowledge under my belt, my journey will be so much easier. Right now, I don't have an end number goal in mind. My first goal is 130kg and I'm just going to take it one day at a time. The goals I'm more excited for are the ones that come from being able to move more and for longer periods of time.
I want to thank all the people who share their stories and experiences on here. Thank you for making me feel like I'm part of a community. Here's to all of us on a journey to give ourselves the best things in life. We deserve it. Cheers! ❤
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/p0rrv0/its_time_for_a_change_f34_1458kg_171cm/
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