I really need to rant. This is long. I'm at my parent's house. I'm quarantined until Thursday. I am very lucky; I work from home, I go out for runs, my mom and sister bring me food I ask for. They put a mini fridge in my room so I have yogurt and fruit and ice. I am healthy and away from the epicenter of covid.
But my family's lifestyle is making me nuts and bringing back resentments. Our diets do NOT mix. It's not that they aren't trying and kind, but it's just really fucking with me. I know my mom is preparing all of my food with lots of butter or uses white bread or slathers on some unhealthy thing when she cooks. For dinner meals, there are like SEVEN fucking side dishes all the time and the portions are HUGE. I try and eat less. I genuinely hate the menu choices; they aren't healthy and are full of bad calories and fats and added sugars. I try and do intermittent fasting. I can't around them. They always eat dessert and get peeved when I don't want it. I don't eat beef or pork as they give me headaches. And they make such a big deal of it when it doesn't mesh with their nights sometimes. There's also sweet and food hidden around the house, like Hershey's kisses or Twizzlers or whatever. Always sweets and chips and shit.
I don't think my mother has a healthy relationship to food and I have to live with it now. I can't prepare my own food or really leave the house to get food. And I always ask the day before so I can prep in my head (so my sister makes fun of me, whatever).
But I just can't take it. I have worked so hard to lose weight and had to settle for maintaining at this fucking house. They aren't eating fast food every night but they aren't thinking about nutrition or calories or even if it's too much.
To my mom's credit, she is trying. She is the sweetest, most considerate person in the world who is always thinking of her children. She buys me cold brew and prepares my overnight oats for me (though she did just make hot oatmeal and put in the fridge once to cool and I lost my appetite). She has bad allergies and I know that tonight she was tired and so she wanted to get McDonalds and I just said sure, even though I really didn't. She came back with cheesesteaks and fries instead. I feel like utter shit after I ate it and wanted to immediately work out.
Food is what makes my mother happy. She always says, "isn't it to die for?" I've never felt that way about food. She's a plump woman but her metabolism must be a lot better than mine because I had to lose 40 pounds to weigh what she does now and I'm still fucking fat. I realized I don't like food that much and ate too much of it because I wasn't being mindful or was bored. I know I'm being a brat sometimes, other times I'm just fucking frustrated. I can't prep my own food or shop yet. Honestly, I think I'm resentful of her for helping build bad food habits in me (encouraging snacking, desserts, overeating) and then scolding me because "you're gonna weigh 300 pounds." I never got there but I feel like I look like that.
I worked so hard to stay in my calories today and it's just kind of ruined. I could have said no, but that feels so rude. I feel like sobbing. I resigned myself after plateauing and am trying to maintain. But I'm trying to train for a 10k. Nutrition is important. I have a 2.5 mile run for tomorrow. And it just feels like it's gone.
There are no villains in this story. Just people trying their best. I'm trying my best. Trying not to complain and also ask for healthier options. My mom is trying to do that for me, but can't resist slipping me a chocolate because that makes her happy. But it still fucking sucks. How do I do this for a few more weeks (indefinitely) when I love my mom so much? But her lifestyle makes me feel like SHITT.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/fwahd0/there_are_no_villainsim_just_fucking_frustrated/
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