So, I’ve been married for 7 years now. Weight started at 165 ish when my husband and I got together. After, and even before we got married, I always got the vibe that I was “too fat” and not really his body type. He was into a mutual gf of ours who is like 5’7” and 120 ish lbs. Pilates body , ectomorph - bigger boobs, lean limbs. I always felt so self conscious around her. My husband and his family are also fatists. I’ve learned this over time from their comments about heavier people. It’s always felt really awkward when he/ his Mom makes some crack about a fat person. It’s like, hello, I’m in the room, wth?
After an accident at a personal development event in 2004, (where I got injured) he told me that I had to lose weight. Yeah, great timing of his, I know.... I’ve always been generally athletic but being in a relationship with someone where you don’t really feel accepted, amongst other major, impacting factors; like his major depression Our first year of marriage and him telling me in 2003 that “I’m more into him than he is into me”, mediocre sex life at best, etc has taken a ***major toll on my self esteem.
And for those wondering why the fuck did I marry this guy?! He is a good, honest person, a hard worker, loyal, can be funny/fun, etc... he’s not a monster. This isn’t a post to simply beat him up and make him sound like a complete asshole... also we were both turning 40 in SF, exhausted from the shit dating scene there and quite frankly, painfully lonely and scared of ending up single forever (which is very easy to do in a place like SF!). But I digress...
Now I’m at 208lbs or so at 5’5 1/2 - 5’6”. The fattest and most embarrassed I’ve ever been of my body :(
Every time I tell myself I want to lose weight for myself and not for my husband, who Is clearly judging/resenting me due to my weight, or my loving but asshole brother and mother who’ve made - and make “funny” comments about my weight (like today) - I get overwhelmed, crushed and angry.
It’s like if I lose weight, I feel like I’m caving into their pressure about how my body is supposed to look. In the past, pre marriage, I’ve always lost weight for a man or an event, never for me. I feel sick, depressed and flat but cover it up by getting stoned/drinking to feel numb and “happy” and further numb myself to the fact that my husband and I have sex like once every month, if that... On top of it all, I’m highly sexual and he is not. I feel like I am literally starving for sex a majority of the time. I am the “horny husband and my husband is the uptight, prudish wife” :( And I feel like my youth is being wasted without sex. But I won’t cheat.
I feel like there is so much emptiness/internal conflict in my life that I’m holding onto the fat. And it’s literally, emotionally, spiritually etc killing me. I intellectually know that losing weight is “fairly straightforward” but it’s an inside job (read:mind/spirit). I feel trapped and like I’m dammed and resentful of my husband and family if I do lose weight, like I’m basically caving into their shitty pressure, and damned if I don’t because than I am miserable....
I know that’s a lot of info to take in.
Has anyone ever dealt with this kind of stuff on your path to committing to getting healthy?
Thank you for reading.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/g8wanf/anyone_else_feel_resistant_to_losing_weight_due/
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