I’m a 5’4” woman who’s 24.
When I was in high school I fell into a really severe depression and during my early recovery I gained about 35-40lbs. I remember my GP telling me she was concerned about my weight which mortified me.
At my heaviest I was around 165lbs. That was in 2013 right around when I graduated. I went on to college and made my mental health my primary focus, as recovery went on I steadily lost a little weight over the years.
Then in 2017 I went through a bad breakup. The gym became the only way for me to stay sane. I worked out every morning, until I started an intensely physical job doing set design in the NY fashion industry. The stress of the breakup or the job got to me and I ended up losing weight really fast, landing at around 115lbs.
My parents were really worried. But my friends celebrated my new “hot” body and a doctor in NY made a passing comment that I was at the perfect weight for my height. Strangers were suddenly SO nice to me too. I was even offered modelling jobs for pay that was far better than any design gig I’ve had.
After a few months of this new life I met my current boyfriend and I transitioned to freelance graphic design gigs which meant I was happier and also had less stressful days building sets and lugging around furniture for the set design job.
I gained 15lbs back and am hovering around 130lbs currently.
My family says this is the perfect weight for me, that I look healthy. I still work out 3-5 times a week (the intensity is hard to maintain though during the pandemic).
But... I miss being skinny so much. I try hard not to think about it because I know it’s destructive but it came with concrete perks: The modelling money, the pleasantness from strangers, I even think more people paid attention to my art because of it. And my work is so much better now 🤦🏻♀️ I miss how every photo of me looked great and now even though I know I’m not fat by any means there are so many that make me feel ugly.
When I was that lowest weight it freaked me out because in person I looked a bit emaciated. But in photos it looked amazing.
I’m so tired of feeling like I’m chasing a past version of myself that only existed for a few months. I always told myself before that the weight I was my happiest at was the healthy weight for me. That should be me NOW, but so many times when I look at mirrors or photos I find myself longing for those stress-filled days where I was super thin.
Do you ever feel like you’re chasing the thinnest version of yourself?
TLDR; I suddenly lost a bunch of weight. Had financial and personal perks because of it. Now I’ve levelled our and life is normal but I keep comparing myself now to my skinnier self.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/g85poz/has_anyone_experienced_negative_mental_health/
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