No matter how much I'll lose, I'll probably never feel happy with myself.

I've no idea if this belongs here, but I thought I'd post anyways since it relates to my weight.

I've always been the fat kid, I was bigger and broader than most girls growing up. I had a mental breakdown at age 8, and after that anxiety always followed me. I'd eat bars, chocolate, crisps, cupcakes, etc for comfort. At age 10 I stared to feel extremely self conscious about my weight. At 13 I was called an "elephant" by my classmates, and they've brag about how they were 7/8 stone, meanwhile I was 14 stone. And this was right in my face, I honestly felt like shit. I lost about 3 stone when I was 16 (11 stone). That was the lightest I've ever been, and I remember at that time still feeling pretty shit about myself. I'd nearly suffocate myself trying to get into a size 10 pair of jeans, I'd refuse to size up. I'd buy clothes that were 2 sizes smaller so I could "fit into them later". I looked at myself in the mirror every day, unhappy with how I looked. I used to compare myself to my classmates, I'd admire how pretty they all were, and I desperately wanted to look like them. And I also vaugley remember this dickhead who laughed at how heavy I was, which sent me into a massive spiral of feeling worthless.

I gained all that weight back, I'm 5-6 stone heavier since then. And guess what? I still feel like complete shit. I'm losing weight for myself, not for how I look. I had a pretty bad fall 3 years ago, and all the weight is putting pressure on my sore back. So I do have to lose some of what I gained. But I still can't help but feel disgusted when I look at myself. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow, something I've been wanting to do for ages. But all I can think about is "there's no point, you're still fat"

I never want to go back to where I was when I was 16. I want to feel happy with myself, even if I'm heavier. But it feels so impossible. And I have no doubt, even if I reach my goal weight, I'll still feel awful. And it sucks, cause its so discouraging. I try to remind myself that I'm doing this for my health not appearance, and that I'm worth more than the number on the scales.

Sorry for posting this, I just need to vent this put somewhere.

submitted by /u/callmedingus101
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/x3mhow/no_matter_how_much_ill_lose_ill_probably_never/