hundreds of "last times" later I feel weak

Ever since I (20m) was 12 my main goal in life has been to lose weight but always lacked motivation, willpower and would make up any excuse to get me out of the emotional/physical discomfort of being hungry. Obsessed but too weak to make a change. During puberty I had a growth sprout and finally had my wish become true. However I didn't appreciate it back then at all as I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Never mattered what anybody said or facts (bmi,etc) I always felt too big.

When I turned 18 I had a rough patch & went from 190lbs to 256lbs. I was ashamed my friends wouldnt recognise me so the more weight I gained the more I excluded myself from social events because of an even bigger lack of confidence than ever. The less I socialized the sadder I was, the more I ate. Vicious cycle.

I think I tried everything to succeed but diet and exercise. Every monday or first of the month has been a fresh start that failed. The words "last time" have completely lost their meaning yet I keep using them.

However in the past year I have really gotten better. Instead of waiting for the next monday and go ham until then cause it's "the last time", I try to start over right after a failure. For a couple months I was (still am) running 4-5 days a week eating only one big meal every day as it is very simple and conveniant with my schedule but always cracking and ordering junk food at least once a week.

I am now at 215pds. As I am 6'2 I think a reasonable goal for myself is 200pds. I am still struggling though. I plateaued and I now realize if I want to make it to my goal I'm gonna need to have the willpower to last longer than my 2 weeks record without eating junk. I still crack too often for meaningful progress. I'm doing so much better yet anytime I crack or fail it completely destroys me. I'm just tired. I feel like I'm being too extreme but at the same time I'm clearly not doing enough so which is it??

submitted by /u/Sonodrifter
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/xdndvz/hundreds_of_last_times_later_i_feel_weak/