Tw: disordered eating; binging
I’ve lost about 65 pounds since 03/2019. I took baby steps and used the slow method of instilling new habits into my routine. Thanks to that, I’ve been able to transition myself out of overeating habits of the past. Prior to losing weight, I don’t think I ever really had binge episodes. I just ate constantly and always made room for more, but that was my normal at the time.
Which brings us to right now. I’ve been noticing that I can’t control my eating while high even when I attempt to plan (not really a big surprise there) and most importantly, when in emotional distress. These past 4 weeks I’ve been overeating to the point of stomach pain. I know that it hurts physically to do this, not to mention mentally. I was starting a new weight loss phase, but I have been struggling mentally with getting under 165 pounds and am switching into maintenance. Whenever I hit that 165 lbs or get below it,I get scared, because I find myself having to face the realities of certain difficulties I have that losing weight will never fix.
Logically, I’ve always known the losing weight wouldn’t change who I am in how I interact with others, so that has never been the driving force for my weight loss. However, even though I know that intellectually, I think I’ve finally reach the point in my journey where a secret, silent part of myself has been desperately holding on to the hope that a smaller body would magically grant me social skills and satisfaction in my life. That secret part of me sees me approaching these lower numbers, while still struggling against the same demons after all of these years. I think the realization that I’m not magically becoming different internally as my weight decreases is mentally tormenting. The secret part of myself is not so quiet anymore and it is leading me to give in to binging.
When I mindlessly eat, it feels both pleasurable and numbing at the same time. Even as my stomach begins to hurt, the constant hand to mouth motion keeps my mind occupied, while the pleasure of tasting lulls me and calms my intense emotions and thoughts. Again, I know intellectually that this new habit won’t help in the long run, but it hurts more to confront myself and my struggles.
For now, I just eat and log everything. My order just arrived, so making my way through it should keep my mind and feelings occupied for an hour or so (as long as I can pace myself…).
I hope this post made sense to someone. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of mental struggle/cognitive dissonance as you approach your goal weight? I feel like I’m mentally torn in two places, but if I’m honest, I leave the easy way out (for me!) of numbing myself with food, so I don’t see how to get out of this binge cycle. Any thoughts/perspectives are welcome, whether you’ve figured it out or are still working through it like I am.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/x6yb65/bingeing_right_now_waiting_for_mcdonalds_as_i_type/
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