I'm 28 years old, male, and weigh around 460 lbs. That's what the scale says, even though I can't fully fit on it. And I have stopped being able to put my feet together this last 2 months.
I have been fat for as long as I can remember. My parents took me to a doctor to ask why I was so fat and were told it was because I eat too much. When I turned 15 and weighed 300, the first thing my mom did was call my dad and say "Your son is 300 pounds." And I could hear my dad say, "Okay? And?" Later the next year, a girl in my English class did a presentation on childhood obesity and said something along the lines of how it's a parent's responsibility. After school, I told my dad about the presentation and he looked at me and said "Well I think sometimes it's the kids fault."
In college I fell hard for someone who was big and lost it all, completely turned their life around in the process. My refusal to change lead to us drifting apart (and a lot of other mental bullshit I spent 3 years in therapy for, but that's another post.) I've been sulking about it in silence for the last ten years, because all this time, I have been mostly angry at myself. Angry for knowing what I need to do to change my life, but beating around the bush and pushing it off.
I started working from home and my health has worsened. I can't walk upright because my sciatic nerve starts to hurt. My feet and legs swell all the time and I can push them with my finger and leave a dent. My normal meal is two footlongs from Subway, then snacks after my shift. Usually some chocolate and a 1-liter Coke Zero. I shower once a week and my skin is all dark and stretched and I look and smell like shit.
I started off being a byproduct of meh parents, but these last ten years have all been my own damn fault, and I have been miserable for years because of it. The last few days, I've been off work because my Grandma died of COVID. Today I cleaned my room a little for the first time in months. I'm gonna take a shower and relax before I go back to work tomorrow.
I want so badly to change who I am. It feels like a battle between two different people in control of me. And it's going to take all of the willpower I have to do it. I'm so tired of feeling lesser than the people around me. Also, if I'm being blunt, I would be having a lot of NSFW activities if I was fit. That's a pretty big factor too.
I haven't put my thoughts together like this before, so I'm hoping that by logging this stuff, it will keep me accountable. Thanks for reading, and here is to hoping it is all up hill from here.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/wugufc/coming_to_terms_with_how_i_got_here/
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