So I just need to let this all out right now and don't know where else to do it. I'm 31 and don't know how much I weigh but judging by how my clothes are fitting I'm the biggest I've ever been. Last time I checked I was 5'2 and 260 pounds, which is also my highest weight.
Losing weight, when I try and put in effort, is no problem. I joined a boxing gym in 2020 and lost 10 pounds in two weeks. November 2021 I did a 90 day challenge with a personal trainer, worked out 4x a week and ate nothing but grilled chicken and arugula for 3 months. After those 90 days I had lost almost 30 pounds. I felt so good, I was happy with the way I looked. But I fell immediately back into my old ways and I gained that all back and then some.
I have very severe ADHD, anxiety, and depression and am currently not medicated or seeing a doctor (I know), and it's extremely difficult to find motivation to do anything, let alone care about my weight. Until today when I'm wicked constipated and realized I'm getting skin tags on my neck all of a sudden and now I'm spiraling into worry that I've given myself a hormone imbalance or diabetes.
There have been signs through the years that I should fix myself but none of them have been "urgent enough" to me to change. How good I feel in my own skin and those non scale victories of stamina and my back not hurting are never enough. I live 30 minutes from a ton of theme parks and every single time I go to one I am terrified the whole time that we're going to wait in line only for me to not fit in a ride, but when that doesn't happen I compartmentalize the anxiety for next time. I'll eat McDonalds on the way home from work or stop for snacks and hide the evidence from my husband so he doesn't know how much I eat.
My mom had bypass 6 or so years ago and she looks and feels great but her recovery was hellish and I can't emotionally or physically go through even a fraction of what she did, but at this point what other options do I have? If every 6 months I get my stuff together and lose a ton of weight, only to say screw it one day and set myself back to square one, something's gotta give, but I don't know what. I can't get another referral for a dietitian only to never make an appointment. I want to talk with my husband but I'm so embarrassed to drag him into my usual cycle again. I love my family but they're visiting in August and I am so terrified of how they'll view me at this weight.
I also don't want to or feel like I need to lose an exorbitant amount of weight to be happy and healthier. I weighed 140 ten years ago and it was awful, but was very happy and healthy at 200 pounds. I could probably lose my extra weight quickly if I tried, but I'm afraid keeping it off will never happen.
I don't know what I'm looking for with this, I don't know what I'm hoping to gain, and I don't know what's next. My step one, starting tomorrow is to seek out a therapist, get back on my medications, and try and get my head right. But I'm still so worried that this is it for me. I don't want to resign myself to this forever, but I just don't see an end in sight.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/vcgbcu/im_afraid_i_dont_have_a_rock_bottom/
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