For context, I am 19 years old, female, 5'5", and I weigh 296lbs (huge, ik)
I have always been the big kid, my relatives have been telling me to eat "healthy food" ever since I was 4 or 5 years old. A lot of people I know were chubby as kids, but most of them lost the extra weight in their teen years. I was one of the unfortunate ones who built an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. Because of all the comments I heard throughout my life, I started to care too much about my appearance. I started "dieting" ever since I was in 4th grade, avoiding certain food needed for everyone at that age. I didn't necessarily lose weight for the next few years, but I didn't gain much either, which made me look pretty average. But everything started to go downhill once I emigrated to the US in 2016 with my family.
I was 13 back then. When my relatives here in the US first saw me, they kept saying how I am quite big for my age (my cousins here are quite skinny tbh). I always ate restrictively, and by the end of 8th grade, I weighed around 175/180lbs, and I looked quite average in terms of body size. In 9th grade, I started to focus on my grades a lot more than usual, which meant less movement for me (I used to spend all my time studying on my desk or bed all day). Without even realizing, I started to eat everything I avoided for years. Stress eating became a huge problem for me. By the time the pandemic broke out in 10th grade, I gained over 60lbs, weighing around 240lbs. Because online school wasn't quite stressful at the beginning, I began to do OMAD. I wanted to lose all the weight very quickly, and I ended up consuming around 700 calories a day, and as such, I lost around a pound a day. In about a month of doing OMAD, I lost 25lbs. My clothes started to become loose again and I started feeling accomplished. But seeing everyone in my family eating regular food made me crave my mom's homecooked food even more. As a south asian, it is very hard to eat regular food to lose weight because most of our food is cooked with lots of oil and carbohydrates are important components of every meal. Of course, I couldn't resist my urges for long enough. I started eating regular meals again, which were at least 2500 calories a day. I gained all the weight back in less than a month.
I became frustrated but had no motivation left. That's when my binging problem started. At least once a week I had to eat everything I could find in the fridge, order takeout, or bring lots of unhealthy snacks from the supermarket. I would feel guilty and eat healthy for a few days, but give up really quickly. and this way I gained close to 60lbs. Now I am morbidly obese, weighing close to 300lbs, I have symptoms of PCOS, and I am borderline diabetic.
The doctor told me to start eating healthier to lose some weight before my next visit, which is in a month from today. I ate pretty healthy for two weeks but gave up as soon as my sister came back from college, and we decided to eat out often. I also started to binge on anything I could find. Even "healthier" alternatives like low-cal popcorn, dark chocolate, diet coke, etc. But these are not truly healthy and they also add up to a lot of calories.
I joined the school basketball team in 10th grade but decided to not do sports again because I'm not good enough to play for the team. I am not that active, and I injured both of my knees (no broken bones or torn muscle though) in february and was unable to walk for months. I just started walking without any help from april, and I still can't walk or stand for a long period of time. Physical therapy didn't help much either so I'm guessing my weight is one of the reasons recovery is taking so long.
Overall, I am just quite upset at myself because every time I look in the mirror I see someone who is hideous and has no self-control. I have never felt beautiful in my entire life. And now I'm also concerned about my health because I have my entire life left ahead of me, and I cannot lose it all to my messed-up eating habits. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself because I know this all happened because I couldn't take care of my health properly. I'm leaving for college in a few months, and being healthy should be a priority especially when I'm living alone. At this point, it all seems impossible, but at the same time, I don't want to give up. I have gone through many hurdles in life but when it comes to losing weight, I lose all my motivation. I don't know why I am even posting this; maybe I just wanted to vent, or maybe I want advice. I don't feel comfortable talking about my weight and issues related to it with anyone because of my fear of being judged; at least when I'm posting anonymously, I won't have to worry about that.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/uvljss/i_have_tried_so_many_different_ways_i_just_cant/
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