I feel like I'm losing my mind. I hate the person that I've become. I just want to be myself again and I'm desperate to lose weight, but I keep failing over and over again. My confidence is at an all-time low and every time I fail at losing weight I feel so pathetic and out of control and weak. I know it's not a big deal and there are real problems and I firmly believe that appearance doesn't matter, but my weight is driving me insane. If I lost 10 pounds I would be so happy, just 10 pounds I would look so much better, I might even be beautiful. I'm 5'5'' and 125lbs but I carry it terribly it's all in my stomach. If I had a 25'' waist I would be happy. I hate how vain and superficial this is but I know I need it to be happy. I just want to like myself. I know this is such a first world problem but I just want to be happy. I know people have real problems and I'm so lucky to be healthy and I have no real issues in my life but my body image drives me insane and I just feel so guilty for feeling so shit. I've tried being positive and grateful and it just doesn't work at all. Sometimes I can manage to lose 5 lbs and I just feel wonderful, like I'm floating. I know it's all water weight but I feel like my face and stomach slim down and I'm closer to the person I've always wanted to be. I know that nothing will make me happy except losing this weight. I've talked to therapists and gone to counseling and taken medications to try and be happy without losing the weight but none of it works. I know that I have to lose this weight to be happy. My weight and diet controls my life. If it's going well, I'm on top of the world. Today I ate a whole box of fried chicken and a whole bag of Oreos and I feel like I'm falling apart. And I know it's so stupid to feel so sad over a box of fucking chicken and Oreos and I'm so sorry and I don't want to be this way.
I've tried everything. I weightlift, and while I've built a lot of muscle and it's helped a lot I can't look the way I want to without losing 10 lbs. I try to count calories and eat healthy and I make sure to only do a small deficit like 250 cals per day to not fail but I still do. I still just fail over and over again and I feel so powerless and so worthless and like such a failure. I just really need some words of encouragement right now, someone to tell me that I can do it, that it's possible, that I can be happy and love myself and be the person I want to be. I'm so tired of failing over and over and over again. Or for someone to tell me the secret words I need to hear and then I'll be in control and I'll be able to lose weight. But I know this doesn't exist. I feel like giving up. Thank you for listening to my incoherent rant. It feels nice just to get it out there.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/f5liyv/desperate_and_at_the_end_of_my_rope/
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