Hey all,
TL:DR - Lost 98lbs, got chronic illness, gained it (almost) all back. Time to start again on hard mode.
So, I kind of messed up.
I was 288lbs in April 2014 (M/6ft) and decided I had enough. The next Summer I was 190lbs and going to the gym regularly, feeling great about myself. The biggest change in my life was that I felt 'worth' improving. I took measures to sort my anxiety, I tried to be fashionable and took note of my appearance, and had the confidence to approach a situation without assuming everyone hates me.
I took this newfound confidence and moved to a different part of the country to take a 2 year masters course for my dream profession. The weight crept up to a peak of 230lbs, and I drew another mark in the sand. Got back into my gym routine, dieting well mixing it with a growing social life.
Then I got ill. Mono. April 14th 2017.
I was told I need to rest up for 6 weeks and you'll feel better over time. 6 weeks passed and I felt like shit still. Then I was told to wait a month and I'll be fine. But I wasn't. Then 3 months. And I wasn't.
I was podded and poked, had scans of my insides, blood tests out the kazoo, and the only answer I was given was that I need to rest a bit and see how it goes.
There were family pressures who were scared about the illness, perhaps thought I was faking it, wanted me to try X, Y and Z alternative treatments. There were friendship pressures, as we lived across the country and didn't see each other as much, so i became secluded. And there were my own pressures. As this illness grew, so did my anxiety. And as a way of coping with it, I ate. It was really the only thing I could do for enjoyment.
I was diagnosed with Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome. Through pacing myself and working to a goal, in April of this year I returned to my course. I excelled, and they were really helpful at making allowances for me to rest. An issue with this was that my weight had risen - I was now 260lbs. I tried to focus on my studies and thought I'd sought the weight out after.
I moved back home in November, with just a research part of my course to do. This would be easy I thought, treat it like a job, little pressure as I'm sorting my own schedule, go to the gym in the morning, and see how it goes.
Well, I was incorrect. I had a big dip in my health when I got home due to the energy it took to move. This coincided with my parents lecturing me about not doing enough, a frequent source of my anxiety despite the chronic illness. I was, and still am, having panic attacks daily. When working I feel too exhausted to properly concentrate, and when resting I am have panic attacks about not doing work. It's shit.
A somewhat of a wake up call was, in the midst of all of this, seeing someone I hadn't seen for a while in the mirror. Me from 2014, but with a worse hairline. I hit 280lbs on November 29th, 2019.
There are a myriad of mental health issues I need to resolve, some with help and some without. Issues around my weight is something I can resolve myself. I don't need the gym to do it, I just need to take control back of my eating.
I'm currently 265lbs, and aiming for under 200lbs for the end of June. Ideally I'll be 180lbs in a years time. In that time I aim to get a regular therapist, finally start my career, and find that confidence in myself that has been missing for a while now. The illness will be ever present in my life, so I need to find a way to live with it, not battle against it.
This is the first step.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/eejtei/back_at_the_beginning/
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