I knew this day was going to be coming. I prayed they’d forget. I prayed I’d be at least fifty more pounds down once they implemented it, but we’ll be using webcams very soon.
I started at 317 with this job. It’s WFH. I went and picked my stuff up and never saw anyone again. And no one was my work team, as far as I know. I didn’t give a damn. I’ve been there for quite a while now and started my journey. I love my work team. And we’ve become sort of close. I only recently told them I’m fat. I said it in a nonchalant way when someone else was talking about their weight. I’m down to 295 ish now. My goal is 145 by 35. I messed up all last month and didn’t lose anything. In fact, gained a pound or so. I was 294. I could have lost another six to eight pounds, but no, I screwed off.
Now there’s no hiding. Cameras are coming out. I tested my camera today and I look terrible. There’s hardly a forgiving angle. I’m SMO and that’s it.
The upsetting thing is that, I never shared my pictures. Even really of my face. I’m sooo insecure. It’s almost like I don’t find myself acceptable at all. I’m completely imperfect. I don’t look like some gorgeous person, so I’m the ugliest person. But also the fattest. People have put this weird image onto me. I have a really feminine voice, and people have said weird things to me implying that I must be some really hot girl. I always correct them and am Iike, “nope, that is not me!” And now I am so scared to be seen. Scared I’ll be treated badly. Obviously some old bullying wounds from growing up obese.
I feel mildly ill over it, but a part of me is relieved. I think my hiding is getting extremely unhealthy. I imagine I’m a very regular looking person, but I feel like I’m super disgusting and shouldn’t be seen until I’m closer to goal weight. I’ve always been like this and it’s held me back. I had a period where I just lived despite it, but now I am hyper determined to get my weight off. But the majority of it is still here. There’s no hiding anymore.
How do I feel better about this?? It actually doesn’t feel normal. Like who is a model?? Why do I need to be the gorgeous one? Why do I need to be so well liked and have it count on looks? I know the answers. My upbringing. But still! I have to move forward because there’s no choice now.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ydn2kj/please_help_me_be_more_rational_panicking_from/
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