I told myself I would never be that heavy again, but here I am. I'm on my haviest weight. This is so goddamn hard to face, but numbers don't lie. I'm a 22F (5.4 ft) and just checked my weight, I'm currently 191lbs, my heaviest weight. I feel totaly lost.
I've struggled with weight and body image since I was 13, when my body changed really fast and I went from a skinny kid to a chubby teen. But I wasn't that heavy, probably just a few pounds extra that could be easily taken care of. Actually, when I was 15-16 yo I was pretty fit (Even though I wasn't able to acknowledge that, I was in a bad mental state in that period and very much obsessed with my figure and struggled with image distortion). I always struggled with binge eating, but I was able to compensate that with restriction and lots of exercise. But when I went on a year abroad to live in Mexico I started gaining a few extra pounds (which is pretty normal, moving countries and changing habits can be very stressful), maybe around 10 pounds or so, and I freaked out, because I had never seen such number in the scale. That's when I said "fuck it", and over the course of a year I gained 44 pounds. I was then 189 lbs.
I went on a treatment when I was 17, almost 18 (saxenda/liraglutide) and was able to lose almost all of it and went down to 156lbs. But that's when I went to college, and eventually gained that weight back, and my life has been a struggle ever since of losing and gaining it.
Fast foward to last year, I was around 182 lbs. Most of that weight due to the fact that I started to smoke weed on a regular basis, not a smart move because I would pretty much binge after it due to munchies. I went again on a treatment with saxenda around July, and started losing it again, even though I still smoked very frequently, but was able to manage my compulsion towards food. I lost a lot of weight, more than the first treatment, and around December I took a break from weed (around 50 day-break due to a prospection of a new job) and that's when I lost even more. I was so fit, going to the gym every day (I started going back to gym right after starting the treatment), eating quite healthy and most important, not binging.
In January of this year I found out that I didn't get accepted to that job position, and again: "fuck it". I was eager to go back to smoking weed, but during my break I leaned on alcohol in order to get a buzz. Before the break, I rarely drank alcohol (I was pretty much disgusted by the taste of it). But when I went back on weed and kept drinking (found out that it would increase the buzz from the weed). Things escaleted, I don't want to go into details but eventually I started doing other drugs, and I wasn't anywhere near my healthy lifestyle. I gave up on gym almost at the same time I went back to smoking, I was kinda depressed. I put on a little bit of weight, but nothing to worry. Months went by, and the weight kept going up, but there was so many things going on in my life that I couldn't be bothered.
Now I am here, sitting with my depressed and fat ass, feeling lost. I feel trapped. I'm in the middle of recovery (which also hasn't been a walk in the park, my parents eventually found out I was doing drugs around July and ever since has been a major issue, they got rid of my stash but eventually I got everything back). I saw a psychiatrist early this month and I've been on Revia (which helps with alcohol/opiates), but I was still smoking and binging af. I realized I wasn't even enjoying getting high anymore, I was just doing it for the sake of habit and using it as an excuse to binge.
Today is day 4 without weed and other drugs (not because I want it but because my mom found out my stash and threw it away). I stepped on the scale and saw that number. I feel scared, hopeless. Especially because last year I promissed myself I would never go through it again, I would never let myself go that way. And here I am, at my heaviest weight, at my lowest point. Nothing fits, I don't want to go out, I don't want people to see me (not only because of my weight, but mainly tho). I don't even want to go see doctors because I am scared I fucked up my health.
Any thoughts on losing weight while being on recovery? I don't want this to stop me no longer. I don't want my depression to keep me from who I want to be. I don't want to use recovery as an excuse to not conquer what I want to, but still I want keep my expetations real.
Any helpful tips? I feel lost, but I can't lose hope on a better future.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/y6q2kc/losing_weight_while_on_addiction_recovery/
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