Time for a change

Hello, lose it!

I'm 35f, 5'6, and 330lbs (150kg). This is literally more than double what I ought to weigh for my age, height, and sex. I've always been obese, ever since I was a little kid. I've always struggled with moderation and I have no idea why-- it's not a trauma response or emotional eating, my mum made sure to instil healthy eating habits into my sister and myself (both my mum and sister are a healthy weight), and yet I have always binged. I can remember being ten or eleven with my first pocket money, spending it all on buying about six hamburgers from McDonalds and almost feverishly scarfing them down. I do not know what it's like to not be hungry, the only time I get a respite from it is when I have overstuffed myself and even then the hunger comes back after a few hours.

But even with all that, even after I got diagnosed with PCOS and severe mental health issues that required anti-psychotics with a strong weight gain side effect, I never thought of myself as "that bad". I had no real weight related issues, and I was fairly active. I swam, I biked, and I walked about 10-12k steps a day.

Then the World Incident That Shall Not Be Named happened.

I didn't leave my house for a long time-- and when I did leave, it wasn't far or for long. I was paranoid about catching sick due to being obese, as well as having very vulnerable family, and so I rationalised NEVER going out. I became wholly sedentary, which had a further knock on effect to my mental health, and that combined with my already aforementioned insatiable greed to balloon my weight from 250lbs (already very obese) to 330lbs (terrifyingly morbidly obese).

Being sedentary for such a long time, as well as gaining so much weight, has wrecked my back. Where I could once walk 10-12k a day with no real problems, now I struggle to walk 500 steps before I'm in agony. I lose my breath trying to walk up and down my stairs, and I find breathing in bed more difficult. I'm so frightened at the state I've let myself get into, and I desperately want to change. I want to be healthy.

So I'm going to be.

I am not going to go in all guns blazing and burn out, and I'm not going to pretend everything will fall into place easily now I've made this decision, but I am determined. I'm going to start with a ten minute walk once a day for a week, then up to fifteen, twenty, and so on, until I build my stamina back which will hopefully help my back. I have decided to go with CICO, as I believe (knowing myself) if I label any foods "off limits" entirely I will obsess and binge eventually. Better for myself to moderate rather than eliminate, I think. I'm starting with a calorie goal of 1800, thanks to the calculations at MFP. Luckily, I love cooking and I love vegetables already, so I think the adjustment will more be into smaller portions than different food.

I think my biggest challenge will be the constant hunger I've had all my life. I've been checked by the GP and there doesn't seem to be a medical reason for it, so I need to find a way to mentally deal with the hunger as simply an acceptable price for getting the health I want.

I have a lot of self negative thoughts about how I let myself get to this stage, but I'm really going to try and frame this journey in a positive light. I'm lucky to live in a place safe enough to walk outside, I'm lucky to have the ability to cook for myself, I'm lucky to have the chance to try and change. I'm going to do this because I deserve to be healthy. Anyway, I just wanted to post this here, partially as accountability, but also because I've been reading this wonderful community for a while (stalking) and I hope now that I'm here, and I've made an account to be here, that I can be a part of it too.

submitted by /u/fatknits
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ttdhhy/time_for_a_change/