Tried On Clothing. Bleh.

So, I’m feeling defeated. Of course I am. I’m a woman and I’m overweight (SMO [super morbidly obese before anyone asks🙄]) and tried on some clothes.

I want to get back to work after years of being out of it. A few from undiagnosed autoimmune and chronic illness. Then the dumb pandemic. I don’t have a ton of money so I tried the online store SHEIN. A lot of plus size YouTubers buy their clothing and do hauls, some stuff seems really cute, so I decided to get a few blazers and tops and whatever else. Pretty much nothing fit me. 3X. 4X. Everything was tight in one way or another—well except for two shirts that I kept. But they were a teensy bit tight in some spots. I kept some of it, which is totally against what I allow for myself because I used to buy very small clothing as inspiration after I became obese when I stopped starving myself. And I never ever got into those clothes. It was always defeating and I had to realize that it wasn’t making me feel good. Like I would be a size 20 but buying size 8 from when I was thin. So I have this rule where I am not allowed to buy inspiration clothing. Anything I kept fit in some way, but it was tight. And instead of thinking of it as inspiration, I’m trying to just think of it as inevitable.

I’m trying really hard not to feel defeated. The past two-ish months, I’ve been counting calories and on my journey to finally lose this excess weight. I’ve been consistently losing. Not as much as I’d like. But I haven’t been being very strict. I’ve been going a few hundred calories over sometimes. In two months, I have lost about 4lbs. I have my period right now (sorry if that squeaks you out) so I’m up five pounds. I made myself weigh in this morning despite it so I can see what I’m doing and what that gain looks like for me.

I’m feeling like poop all around. And maybe the sizing was just sort of off. It is fast fashion bs where everything is inconsistent. I’m really against fast fashion but I just don’t have the money to create the wardrobe I want/need right now.

Bleh.

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