I'm fairly sure I swore too, but that's beside the point.
I've thought those words to myself plenty of times before. I thought them after I gained back the 50lbs I lost in college, for example. I thought them when I ended a long-term relationship only to realize that I was at my heaviest weight in my entire life. I thought them when I once again fell off the wagon after only 15lbs lost when Covid forced me to look for a new job due to a pay cut.
Tonight though, after ordering a pizza for lunch with the excuse that it was more convenient and would allow me to not make a mess of dishes then proceeding to finish the pizza for dinner, I started looking for a shirt to wear that wasn't what I'd had on all day at work. I couldn't find one. None of my XL shirts fit anymore. Most of my XXL shirts were dirty, and I don't have a ton of them as-is. I took a step back and realized that my closet is full of clothes I cannot wear. I have 2 pairs of chinos, 1 pair of jeans, and about 4 t-shirts that I can feel comfortable in. Plus 1 sweatshirt that I wear constantly when I'm out of the apartment now that it is winter.
Still without a shirt I went to check the dryer and see if I had accidentally left anything in there. On the way, I had to pass the bathroom--door open, mirror right there. I purposefully avoided looking in the mirror. I honestly can't say when the last time I did that was. Luckily, I'd left a single shirt in the dryer, and it happened to fit. So... yay?
Once I had my shirt on, I walked back over to my closet again and looked through my clothes. That's about when I said it. The words felt more like a reaction than conscious thought. A statement out loud of something I've felt and known for years now.
It sucks, but it might be the kind of motivation that I needed right now. So I figured I would share this for anyone else out there who isn't happy with themselves. I'm going to do all of this again, and I'm going to do it right this time. I'm going to put the work in to make sure those words never leave my mouth again, for this particular reason at least. You should too, because you deserve better than "I hate myself."
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/l2bfsf/tonight_was_the_first_time_in_my_life_that_i/
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