First and foremost, I doubt this will be my last ever binge. I have an eating disorder. Always have, likely will always have to fight it. The only time I’ve ever been a normal weight was likely when I was a small child, and then when I was bulimic and anorexic. I was twelve, about 245lbs, and I got down to about 147 ish by fifteen. Sadly, if given the right tools, I could have lost that much in that time naturally and healthfully. But I really didn’t know any other way to help myself than flip the coin.
I’m 292 recently, down from 335lbs at my highest. I’m happy for myself and sad for myself. I couldn’t get out of the 3s for the longest time, and soon I’ll be heading into the 280s. My goal is 145lbs by 35. Which is about a year and a little less than a half for me. It’s scary and sad because I have never done it healthfully before. It’s a serious journey.
Recently we went on webcams at work. I had legitimately HORRIBLE anxiety and mental health for the entire week. I put my picture up on amiugly Reddit. I only got two comments before removing the post: one said I was not ugly, but slightly below average for them. Which I figured isn’t that bad😂😂 I had the camera at weird angles and then I gave up and just allowed myself to be who I am on webcam. It’s taking a while, but I’m feeling better about it as time goes on, and am excited to just keep going towards my goals and seeing how I change in the process.
But onto my binge. I’ve been going over my calories every week. I’m set at 1 1/2lbs per week loss, and have just not been doing well. I’d really like to be losing 2lbs a week, and planned to with adding fitness, but I derailed and stopped that, too. I still never went too far over my TDEE, so have still been losing. But I decided today that I would have a lil pig sesh and then get to the business. For real. Just guns blazing forward into my goal. All good and fine. It’s fine. But so I bought bingey crap. Not anywhere near as crazy as I used to go, but I got Chinese food. Mexican food. Two slices of cake. Chips and dip. I ate some of the Chinese food and stopped midway. Then ate the chips and dip. It was great for about four bites. Then I ate a piece of cake I bought and I didn’t even eat the whole piece because it sort of sucked. And of course, I can’t really eat the Mexican food. I am too full and feel disgusting from half the Chinese food, chips and dip, and some of a piece of cake. Binges are never good. They’re just never great. Ever.
Once I was done with the chips and threw out more than a half bag of chips and half container of dip, I realized I was doing what I always do. I’m getting all of this shit to fill a void that cannot be filled by foods. It’s impossible. No matter how many different types of food I get. That hole is there. I ate half the crap I got and I feel emptier than ever, and super full and disgusted, and regretful on top of it.
I want this to be a lesson in my next push through this crap. Food is never going to fill me the way I desire. I need to work harder to get to my goals. I need to conquer my insecurities. I need to get a social life and join groups and causes and commit myself to serving a higher purpose. A food bank. Nature conservation. Whatever. Food will never make me actually feel good. There will be times that food will be so amazing that it rocks my world. Lots of things in life have the power to do that in the right moment. But buying different types of food to eat in one day is BS and will NEVER do anything for me but waste my money, energy, and all the food that is too much for me to even consume.
I pray I move forward and running towards my goals after this. I pray that this is the last time I waste my resources on using food to heal me. It never ever does. Never.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/yugvpc/lessons_from_a_binge_and_hopefully_the_last_of/
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