Link to First Post (I wouldn't read it if you haven't already unless you can stomach some sad today. Also if you want to see what I look like you can look at the pictures.)
https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/rnxxhx/what_i_learned_about_myself_losing_half_my_body/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Just wanted to say hi, and give an update to my life since my last post. This year has been good to me. As far as food goes I'm still eating the same meal everyday, but now I'm eating at only a slight calorie deficit, so technically I'm still on a diet, but I've only lost about 15lb this year. I've been doing it to get rid of the rest of my bodies more stubborn fat, mostly my stomach's subcutaneous fat (skin fat). If anyone is curious I've also stuck to eating the same meal everyday. I get that might come off as a bit weird, but I view food like a volcano views virgins, a fuel source. Also the autism helps.
Last year I focused on losing weight, and understanding myself, and accepting all of my childhood trauma. This year I focused on contemplating my values, and behaviors.
I get that might be a little confusing to some people because in movies when someone confronts a belief that's been holding them back it's like they get a software update that turns them into a different person. Maybe it's because I'm autistic, but change has never been like that for me. Confronting those beliefs was like a fever breaking to me. It feels great, but I was still sick. Those old toxic beliefs still cast a shadow on my life, and I got rid of that shadow by questioning the values, and behaviors those old beliefs influenced.
In case you don't get what I'm saying I'll try to explain it like this. Beliefs affect values, and values affect behavior. Just because I did a lot of introspection, and changed my beliefs doesn't mean all of my values, and behaviors magically changed to match them. While many did for the rest I went through that same process again of questioning them, and deciding if they fit into how I wanted to live my life, and who I wanted to be.
That doesn't mean the trauma I experienced doesn't still affect me. A big part of my learning to accept those experiences in the first place was coming to terms with the fact that they always would influence me on some level, and that helped me accept that trauma, and bring those effects into the open, question them, and not just stop them from holding me back, but to reflect, and use those experiences to be a better person.
What's happened this year.
Walmart got better
It was a relief to me when random people stopped coming onto me. I've named that time the corona horny plague, and I'm glad it's over. I'm still pretty anxious around strangers, and I don't do casual "relationships," so trying to say no without hurting their feelings stressed me out a lot.
Then Walmart got worse again.
Midway through the year I was stopped a few times by girl packs over my shipping cart. (I food prep in bulk, and eat the same meal everyday, so when I shop for me my chart always looks like 20lb chicken breast, 6 jars of peanut butter, 2 value size bags of walnuts, and some oats.) They were curious about my lifestyle, what time I woke up, my eating schedule, what I did in my free time, etc. Some would complement my lifestyle, and said they admired my "grind set." While others would poke fun at me for it. I assumed that they recognized that I was autistic, and wanted to know more about me, and how I fit into the spectrum, and the people who were making fun of me were doing it in a joking way for how stereotypically autistic I am.
I was pretty hopeful that with how in public conciseness minorities have been since the lockdown more people had learned about autism, but as you could probably guess it wasn't about autism.
Eventually someone stopped me, and explained to me that they weren't joking with me about being autistic, but making fun of me because they thought I was a "sigma male." Being a dog lover I know that the alpha, beta, sigma stuff isn't even accurate for dog's let alone humans, so I was pretty confused, but after some research I can see where they're coming from. From what I gathered people rebranded a lot of autistic traits, grindset (hyperfixation), does not value tribal connections/solitary nature (many autistic people don't have acquaintances only adopted family), doesn't conform to social hierarchy (l hope I don't need to explain this one).
Tangent/rant
Learning about sigma male's brought me to a lot of "self help" places. Before I say this, if it works for you I'm happy that you found a resource that helps you live the life you want to live, but overall I find a lot of the rhetoric pretty backwards. Instead of looking at the wider picture, and asking who do you want to be, what do you value, and what behavior aligns with those values, the content mostly focuses on "life hacks" like wake up at 5a.m., and don't masturbate to live a more "optimal life".
This focus on adopting productivity habits to live a more fulfilled life is weird to me, because life isn't a video game, and even if it was raising the productivity bar, wouldn't raise your happiness bar, and even if it did I don't agree with how they go about it. Handing out individual "life hacks'' instead of giving people the tools to help them figure out for themselves a life they would be satisfied with.
I went to the doctors
Doctor didn't know much about autism/add, but I explained the diagnostic criteria to him, and while he wasn't qualified to give me a ASD diagnosis himself he got me in contact with someone who could. I decided not to do it though because the nearest place was a 9 hour drive away, and the telephone operator treated me like a child, and despite my insistence that she didn't need to, demanded she needed to speak to my mother directly instead of me.
My doctor did give me a ADD diagnosis, and some pills though. The pills did me wonders, and gave me mental clarity like I've never had before, and I handled them well except for one thing. I have aphantasia (mental blindness "no imagination"), and a few times when I was falling asleep I would start to see what I was imagining, which is impossible for me, and one time it happened while I was awake, an image flashed into my mind. I tried to hold onto it, but it slipped back down. I stopped the pills after that, because it was kind of weird, and I didn't think I needed them. I was right even after I stopped taking the pills I kept the effects. It turns out I had a different kind of ADD (over-focused), and what I came to the doctor for was a avoidance coping mechanism I developed basically from birth to cope with PTSD. (At least that's what I think it is, I'm not a psychologist.)
I ran into "I'll give you 1$ for every pound you lose" guy.
I was walking my dog at the park, and a guy randomly walked up to me. I was pretty confused, but I have facial blindness, so I'm used to it. Giving him a nod I said hi, and asked him if he needed anything. He opened his wallet, and asked "how much weight did you lose?" I told him "200lb." He looked sad and said "I can't give you that much," and I told him "it's alright," and he walked away, and I kept walking my dog.
Pretty weird encounter all in all. The money would have been nice to buy craft stuff, but I get we are going through hard times.
I almost drowned
When I was a kid I considered myself a good swimmer, but I was actually just a good floater. I was both literally, and metaphorically, carried by my fat, so when I jumped into the pool for the first time since my weightless I almost insta-drowned on account of my body now being more dense than water. I have to say swimming is a lot more enjoyable for me now.
Choosing a direction
Recently I realized how silly it was for me to be investing into stocks instead of investing into myself. Since I was a kid I've always wanted to provide for myself, and my loved ones by creating things, so I decided to pull out my investments, and give it a shot>! (Technical details, I earned 120% return on investment after fees (in other words, I doubled my money))!<. I was pretty torn between what I wanted to pursue. I've always had a fascination with voice acting, wood turning, and I've always wanted to get into prop making. I dropped VA because I didn't think I could provide for myself with it on account of the competition in the field, and my speech impediments. I made my decision when my sister told me she wanted to start a sticker business. Even though I knew stickers are a saturated market I'm too much of a softie to say no to helping my sister, so I decided to go into prop making since I could get what she needed to do her shop and find some use for it myself. (I still really want to get into wood turning one day) The cricket, printer, ink, and vinyl tag teamed 25% of my budget, but I still had enough to build/equip the workbenches, and the workplace. I even found room in the budget to buy a voron clone. (I've always wanted a voron. I thought about building one, but I don't have the skills, and I'm afraid I'll mess it up because of it.)
Moving forward
My plans for the future are pretty simple: learn more of my craft, get better at 3d modeling, upgrade my workplace, and sell what I make. I've still got some major purchases to make, and Cyber Monday is on the horizon, so I'm aiming to save as much as I can, and make out like a bandit with everything I need. Since my mom's a lot better I've decided to drop my part time jobs, and pick up a less flexible, but more profitable, full time job, but the job hunt hasn't been going too well for me. I'm not going to be that guy that blames their disability, but when the interviewer gets a "bad feeling" about someone because they "won't keep eye contact with you," or doesn't like the way they "fidget" I get a little suspicious. I know that's what I should expect living in W-NC, but it still sucks.
After Cyber Monday I want to try and make some friends. I get this is a downer, but I've only had one friend before, and he more or less adopted me as his younger brother, because our brothers were friends, and we don't have that much in common/talk anymore, so I figured after this one last grind, I'll try to make some lifelong friends. If I'm doing well financially next year I might even go to Dragoncon to try and meet people that are into the same stuff I am.
