I am open to all and any help. I’m 5’4 and 109 lbs. I can’t afford a therapist, I’m 18 and doing college with multiple jobs so money is very tight.
I don’t wanna diagnose myself. But I tend to eat 400-700 cals for 5 days then binge 2,200 ish cals 2 days after the 5 restricted days. Sometimes I throw up mainly because I feel like I need to. Other times I try to make myself and fail.
I physically look probably completely fine. I exercise pretty regularly. I have visible muscle even. I might look slightly bloated after a binge for a day or two but that’s it. I haven’t even told the closest people in my life about this yet in hopes that I can fix this without having to cause anyone any trouble.
The thing is, I know how wrong it is. I just can’t stop it. All my life I have admired thin girls, and I always have two voices in my head “The thinner the better! You have no self-control! You are seen as a lazy dumb young woman if you get any fatter! People won’t take you seriously!” And then the other one “You need to stop, you can do it! You don’t have to do this! You are perfectly fine the way you are right now, you aren’t even overweight on the BMI! You need to stop before this gets serious!”
But then that second voice is so quiet compared to the first. The most insane part is I’ll look at a 150 lb woman and not think she is fat at all, but I look at my 109 lb self and all I can see at the squishier parts like my thighs and arms. All my life I’ve grown up around Asian stereotypes of the need to be underweight to be conventionally attractive. People like Mirei Kiritani, Rosé from Blackpink, and my very thin cousin and my fiancé’s sister have all been motivation for me to just keep getting thinner.
If they can all be that thin and healthy, why can’t I?
What is wrong with me? I just don’t know what to do.
Sincerely thank you to anyone who might have advice.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/qchp9x/tw_im_begging_for_help_how_do_i_overcome_a_binge/
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