My trauma wasnt my fault, but it is my responsibility to lose the weight. And I will.

Grad student, 28 M.

Today I realized my BMI is freakishly high.

I have been in denial for a very long time.

Please, send me good vibes.

I can't let trauma win.

I wont let trauma win.

I have ordered a high blood pressure pump and a DASH diet book.

As a grad student, I will be walking everywhere that I can. I have knee pain, so running is out of the question. Clinician suggested walking, so I will do that. I do regularly see a therapist on the side as well.

No more of this misery. This is my fault.

I havent been taking care of myself. I could blame everything for making me feel a certain way, but it's still my fault.

And seeing my high blood pressure was a wake up call. The clinician said I still have a chance and recommended the DASH diet.

Thankfully I had already been realizing that I needed to eat healthier. I had been neglecting it, but at least I don't have to completely start from scratch. There ARE healthy foods I like.

My ego is hurt.

My pride is hurt.

This can be a good thing.

I refuse to let my trauma win.

I guess it took seeing how far gone my health was to really see how important my life is.

I will change. But only if I stop blaming the world for my problems. The world is what it is. I have the power to choose my destiny.

Fuck this shit.

I am sorry for all the shit that I said to myself, and I know it's time I took full responsibility for it.

If I know that campus has unhealthy shit, then I bring my own lunch. I eat before. I make sure I eat filling stuff. Not allow hunger pangs to define my decisions. I imagine that my body is used to overating, so this will be something I need to get used to.

Grad school has been kicking my ass, so I let my health slide. Depression hasnt helped either.

But none of those can be excuses anymore.

I knew what the right thing was, and I still chose to ignore it. When I was younger I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight.

Those days are over. It's also my birthday tomorrow, so this needs to be my own gift to myself.

The gift of giving a crap about my life.

It starts with me, and I fucked up.

To myself: "I'm sorry. I let you down. I will do everything in my power to make it up to you. I fucked up, and it's time I started giving a shit about my life."

submitted by /u/SpaceMyopia
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/qi4zdo/my_trauma_wasnt_my_fault_but_it_is_my/