I wish I still felt guilty about binge eating.

The title is a TLDR of my situation, but I'll go a little more in-depth here.

(22, 179cm, 90kg, 12-14%bf).

3-4 years ago (like 2018) I was 130kg. I was pretty much pure fat. I never left the house, and couldn't even manage to walk down my own street without my legs aching. After a really bad bout of depression and a lot of self reflecting I decided that I was going to change. I pretty much stopped eating anything except for a 500 calorie frozen meal every night for about 3-4 months, and dropped all the way down to 90kg. The only exercise I was doing was basic dumbbell exercises in bed while I was watching Netflix.

After that period of starvation, I kept my weight hovering between 90-100kg, and began doing some basic calisthenics at home, and started walking/jogging towards the end of that year.

In 2019 I started running and began doing cardio and strength based workouts with kettlebells, and started bench pressing and deadlifting with a barbell I bought. That year brought my fitness up a ton, and I reshaped the way my body looked. First photo was ~130kg, second photo was ~90kg, and last photo was ~83kg. I was running 10km at the time, improving my strength and cardio constantly, and was so happy.

For the past year however, I've pretty much been in a constant bulk state. I've been eating fast food (which in turn is eating into my wallet) and just generally shitty food. Sometimes I'll have a week or 2 where I have the willpower to eat healthily, and I'll be able to stick to eating good food, but then I relapse again and go back to eating shit.

I think it's a mix of stress from work (I work retail as a casual, so my hours vary, and some days I'm not able to eat lunch due to my shift being too short, which sometimes means I lack the energy to workout at night) and also stress from having ibs, which makes getting to the gym (particularly in the mornings) really hard for me some days.

My appetite is fine during the day. I don't get cravings to eat junk in the mornings or for lunch, but anytime between 5-9pm a craving will hit me, and I'm like a totally different person. I don't feel guilty about ordering the food, I don't think about the repurcussions to my stomach the next day, or the money I'm wasting. I just order the food. Sometimes I'll even be telling myself not to do it, but that gets drowned out by my greedy side that says I'll start eating healthy tomorrow, or that it's not that big a deal and that I need the food to put on more muscle. Just last night I ordered Subway for dinner. I ordered 4 footlong subs and 12 cookies, and ate it all. This morning was spent on the toilet.

I really wish I could control myself again. Looking back at how dedicated and disciplined I was a little over a year ago is like looking at a different person. I know he's still in me somewhere, and I do have days or weeks where he breaks out again, but then I'm back to my slothful and greedy self again.

For reference, this is me now. I know that I'm in a better position than some people, but I want to cut my fat levels down, and the only thing getting in my way right now is me. I just want to feel in control again. Even getting out of bed takes all my energy. Sometimes I'll spend an hour just laying there on my phone.

submitted by /u/Gavin_Freedom
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/qgo34g/i_wish_i_still_felt_guilty_about_binge_eating/