From birth to age 28 I was always in a healthy BMI. My weight and fitness level fluctuated as did my body type ('skinny fat' to 'athletic') but never to the point of an unhealthy or BMI change. I went through phases of disordered eating, such as anorexia in high school, but still, never enough to dip the scale too much. And then 4 years ago I went through 3 major changes: I started working nights, confronted and subsequently disowned my entire toxic family, and found and began life with my current partner (not in that order). At first the stress of the family and abuse recognition caused me to lose weight (put me at very low end of normal BMI) but over time I started gaining.
I have gained 50% of my body weight over the past 3 years (50lbs) and just a few weeks ago crept up into the obese category. I have undergone a lot of changes:
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shift work
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feeling safe and loved for the first time
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making enough money to eat out
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feeling too tired to cook or eat at home
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becoming almost sedentary outside work
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developing an addiction to sweets, sugary desserts
I believe these are all the primary reasons for my weight gain. I just feel miserable. I am tired often, I get winded easily, I get sore muscles for doing hardly anything, I am irritable and have mood swings, I can't stick to a change in what I eat or how much I move for more than a couple weeks at most (usually not more than a day). I have tried counting calories, exercising, just eating more fruits/veggies, low carb, high protein, no desserts, everything in moderation, ignoring the problem and just trying to get out more....I feel like I've just done everything and nothing is working??
I am kind of at the end of my rope. I'm feeling hopeless and helpless and it's almost funny? Like I have never had this problem before and now it is the single thing making me most miserable in my life. I hate the way my body looks and I feel 20 years older than I am. I get anxious about it even, like I am going to give myself heart failure or diabetes, I literally feel sick. But I just can't change. It makes me so sad and frustrated I want to completely give up and at the same I feel like I'm going to snap any minute and just be perfect, no more greasy food no more dessert and workout every day...more like a binge/purge mentality. Extreme.
Anyway. I feel so sad and desperate. I feel similarly to how I felt the last months / year before I quit drinking for good. Desperate to quit but feeling so helpless, failing over and over again. This was a huge rant. I guess I just want help, advice.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/q71i6d/rant_self_discovery/
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