Need advice, will you listen to my story?

F24, CW300 something.. last time I checked I was 314lbs, but I’m probably more now. That was like a month ago..

Hello everyone. I’m currently at a loss with myself. I know I’ve been gaining weight this year, but I saw a picture of myself yesterday and I’m truly embarrassed of myself. I honestly never want to go in public again.

This past year has been horrible. My symptoms are immense. Hair loss, rapid weight gain, insomnia, sleep apnea, constant nausea, bad heartburn from literally everything, extreme fatigue, major back pain, memory loss.. I could go on..

I gained about 30 pounds in 3 months, tested my thyroid, cortisol levels, diabetes, etc but everything looked fine. Another month went by and gained 13 lbs. Dr sent for another thyroid test and guess what? Im a bit low. Not sure why it didn’t show up on the first test, but whatever. I even fasted for both tests. Been on thyroid meds for 2 months, absolutely no change in anything. Went through a month of daily cardio, and I literally gained weight so I gave up and stopped. I’m ready to give up on my thyroid meds now too. I’m so tired and exhausted every day, even if I don’t do anything. I work from home so what do I have to be exhausted about? Some days I can sleep 16 hours and still be tired. Some days I don’t sleep at all. I literally don’t even eat that much.. Sometimes only 2 meals a day.

I never have motivation to do things. I know I need to lose weight but I don’t think I can even start. I always give up, I never follow through with it. I’m poor so I can’t pay for gym memberships (I probably wouldn’t go if I did), I can only buy food I can afford.. Which lately consists of microwave dinners and cereal.. Idk I feel like even if I starved myself I would still gain weight. I’m at the point where I’m close to giving up on life. I’ll be a hermit and never leave my house. Never go in public, never take pictures of myself. I’m not even the “pretty” fat, I’m just gross fat. And saying “oh I’m fat because I have hypothyroidism” feels like an excuse. The doc says I’m in the right dosage of thyroid meds, so why isn’t anything changing? But I’m on the lowest dose possible, so why even continue taking it if nothings changed.

I keep trying to find a reason why I’m like this, but it’s all just bullshit. Thought maybe I had Cushings Disease, but nope. Maybe cancer? Hah, I wish. Then I’d have an excuse other than me being a pos.

And before people ask, yes I’m being treated for depression. Have been for the past four years. Before the weight gain I was actually trying to ween off of it. Then all of a sudden I had severe memory issues, and had to go back on it cause that was the only reason my doc could think of as to why I was forgetting everything.

Idk, if you’ve read to this point, any input would be great. I’m a poor, unmotivated fat girl that doesn’t even know if I can start to lose it. My family tells me to get more tests done, find out why I’m so big, but honestly I’m scared to find out that there is no reason. There’s no excuse. That happened with my extreme, debilitating pms cramps. After years of testing, everything comes up blank. That’s another story though.

Why shouldn’t I just lay down and die like this? 24 year old fat virgin, barely living paycheque to paycheque, no motivation or reason to change. I’m so done. 😞

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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/om9wkl/need_advice_will_you_listen_to_my_story/