Today I’m starting a very big journey. I just want to post on here to a)hold myself accountable and b) write my story and feelings out. I’m not ultra heavy, but compared to where I used to be, my body has been demolished. I’m ready to reclaim it. When I was 19, I had a pretty solid modeling career going. I was able to make my way through college with it, and I was feeling pretty accomplished. My body looked, well, fantastic. I had it all. Then I became pregnant at 21. I feel like I was hit by a train. My ribcage, and body all over, became wider. I was bigger and heavier. I felt like garbage. I started getting somewhat fit again..then I become ~ woohoo! ~ pregnant once more, just before my 23rd birthday. Now here I am, at 5’10 and 175lb. C-section pouch and all. I’m honestly terrified of what I will look like, knowing it will never be quite the same…knowing I may always look unalike myself, knowing I may have to simply come to terms. This may be a beautiful way to fully learn self acceptance. I have been scared to try being perfectly skinny and fit again because, well, I’m scared I won’t look as good. I have a solid 45 lb to lose at least. It’s terrifying.
When I was modeling and at my thinnest, I thought I never looked right , I was constantly instructed to lose and gain, tone different areas. It was probably mentally and physically a bit of a “trauma” (for lack of a better term) now that I look back on it, so maybe that’s why I feel so awful. I looked incredible then, I never imagined being where I am today…
I’m 24, my husband is 47. Recently in a sleep deprivation induced argument, he told me he has never met anyone so insecure. He is right. People always make jokes about our age, his friends act like he is lucky. I feel that this couldn’t be further from the truth. I feel like I’m a huge disappointment to him. I’m younger but so what, I look like garbage. I feel so inferior. His body is so gorgeous, he is twice my age but he looks like a God, I look like a bowl of pudding. He is breathtaking and I feel like nothing next to him. He gently reminds me that I can’t see what he sees, he tells me that I’m beautiful. I wish I could believe that. So, I am READY. I am ready to feel good. I want to feel confident in my own skin again!
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/okhsrw/i_was_a_model_now_i_have_a_mom_bodim_scared_of/
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