So I was on a pretty good roll for a while and dropped 20 lbs, which is pretty good for me as I'm very plus-sized with binge eating disorder, and while I still have a surprisingly curvy shape (56-46-60) I was really proud of how well things were going. But then a bunch of very emotional and stressful family-related things happened, my great-gran (she's 99 in Sept) that I've been a co-caregiver for for the last 8-10 years broke her hip and had hip surgery, she made it but due to her advancing dementia we couldn't keep her at home after surgery. They sent her home 6 days after surgery!!! Expecting us to do some very challenging and advanced levels of care that we just physically couldn't, plus watching her 24/7 cuz she doesn't listen or remember due to the dementia and her house isn't set up for the level of care she needs or the mobility she has. Anyway her doctor was mad that they released her and told us to take her back and have her admitted so we did, but caregiver's guilt is a thing so we have been dealing with that and through all this I just went off the deep end and was eating whatever whenever and gained back 5 lbs of my 20 lost. I've mostly got myself under control, still binging a bit but not as much. My father was eating ice cream out of the gallon bucket tonight (don't get me started, he literally wonders why he's overweight because he uses the elliptical for an hour a day but eats enough for 4 people) and I just ignored it cuz I realize it isn't worth it... Plus I've been feeling sick from eating crap food I guess (I don't have a gallbladder so sometimes things go awry).
Anyway I just have felt so terrible about myself and my eating decisions, and my internal dialogue has been so upsetting over the past few weeks that it's starting to take an emotional toll on me. Then being guilted by family for not going to see my great-gran every day or every second day, while trying to run a business, care for animals involved in that business, maintain my long-distance relationship and make wedding arrangements because I'm getting married in October and my fiance of 3+ years is coming from out of the country and having to get all that paperwork and etc dealt with because there's a lot due to covid and what not, and while I'm trying to deal with all of this and more my brain is like, you're fat, you shouldn't eat, what is wrong with you, learn to control yourself, you should be ashamed, your fiance won't want you if you keep eating, all this and etc. I know my brain is fried from the stress and burnout which is why my anxiety is acting up but I feel like I can't catch a break. There's not a day that goes by where I don't feel like shit for something, either I guilt trip myself or someone else does it for me. I miss feeling healthy like I did when I was able to make the correct food choices and eat the correct amounts for my body and I feel like I'm so stuck that I can't even begin to get back to that point right now, it's like I'm on autopilot just trying to survive. Sorry for the rant but I feel like the loseit community probably gets it more than anyone else would.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/oprv4r/does_anyone_else_beat_themselves_up_over_gaining/
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