Wow, that’s really hard to admit. But I have actually come to hate what I look like now so I don’t! I realized this tonight climbing out of the bath tub. I just look down. When I walk down my hallway with a mirror at the end of it, I look away. Not even in my own home with no one else around do I want to confront how big I’ve become. I am not comfortable in my skin. At all.
I’ve struggled with body image forever. I grew up watching my mom struggle with her rice cakes as Jane Fonda tapes and Nordic track equipment. She never looked how she wanted to, and I have never in the moment felt content with my body either.
In college I stopped eating, took speed, and though extremely skinny still thought I was disgusting. I gained a ton of weight after I graduated and moved home. Then I lost it, then I gained. Then I lost again with weight watchers and working out. Then I gained some. Then I lost with kickboxing and becoming a vegan. Then I got married and gained again after.
For the last 10 years I gave been steadily getting fatter. I am currently at 229, highest recorded weight was 231. I just turned 40 and I’m a 5’9” F. My body fat % is 42.
I start thinking of a new plan every day and don’t do it. I read your stories and get so much inspiration. But then I wake up in the morning and do the same unconscious eating bullshit and nothing changes.
I want to get off the merry go round. I want to be proud of my body. I want to be sustainably healthy. I’m in therapy and that’s really helped me deal with a ton of issues. But the last battle is against that woman in the mirror. It is hard to work toward incremental change but I know that’s what it will take. I want to do small steps every day to build those long term habits and an actual lifestyle change. In the past I’ve been all or nothing and I quit. I’m scared to begin but so fed up. I keep waiting for that final straw but I’m jot finding it.
Help! And thank you to everyone who contributes to making this sub amazing and life changing (hopefully my turn now)!
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/jzyppv/ive_stopped_looking_in_the_mirror/
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