My relationship with food is slowly falling apart

Hello,

Today i wish to come here and talk about my relationship with food when i was 5-7 years old i ate about as much as the average child but then at the age of 8 i put on weight and ate quite a bit fast forward to last year i really ate a lot then i would constantly have crisps, sweets, and all the other junk foods yes i suppose i ate a bit more then the average person of my age but at least my relationship with food was somewhat good back then because now/more recently i find that i try my best to track calories as much as possible, only eat one meal a day, etc. and when i allow myself more then 1,200 calories i feel like shit for doing so so most days i try to stick to 800 calories

When i feel even worse is when i binge for my binges i don't even keep count of how many calories i'm having i just eat it feels like heaven in the moment but later on i feel so disgusted with myself it's ridiculous i have tried to vomit multiple times but it never works i get a gag reflex but i don't actually vomit if that makes sense which also makes me upset so most times instead of vomiting cause it just never seems to work i go ahead and dance for 1-2 hours without a break or restrict myself

I find that i'm always weighing myself so much through the day and get triggered when the number on scale goes up by even a pound i just feel so fat whenever i look in the mirror or try on clothing all i can see is this obese pig even though my parents say i have lost a bit of weight i never believe them because i always just think there not telling the truth i'm just so very fed up with seeing myself in this light and constantly being jealous of other girls i wish it would all come to a stop so i can be normal and happy

submitted by /u/anonymous_girl011
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/hrfypv/my_relationship_with_food_is_slowly_falling_apart/