'Depression' from cheat days. Can't break the cycle

I recently fell into a cheat day(s) hole. I ate more than my daily calories on Saturday and even though I was still under my TDEE, it triggered the monster in me and I've been eating above TDEE ever since. Like somedays barely above TDEE and other days full on binges with thousands of calories due to poor, calorie-dense food choices.

It has put me into a TERRIBLE mental space. I'm stuck in this cycle where I can't get control and go back to my diet but at the same time, the food is making me miserable and I'm hating myself and my life.

I have an occasion coming up on the 8th of August and I really wanted to power through and look as good as possible (and feel as good as possible). I also had another occasion at the end of august that I was looking forward to maybe fitting into this specific pair of jeans for and I know not only am I making these goals less likely with each day that passes where I binge, but I'm undoing all of the dedicated hardwork I've put in for the last three months.

I'm not sure what to do. :( I wake up and feel excited that today I'm going back to dieting (it's hardwork, sure, but I genuinely feel so much happier when I'm dieting and sticking to my goals) but then as the day goes on, work get stressful and I think more about 'bad' foods (and lots of them, I'm not the kind of person that has the willpower to just have a bite). And then by the end of the workday, it is as if all control is gone. I order delivery or go get fast-food and eat mass quantities and in the moment everything is okay but once I'm done, then I feel so sad and miserable that my heart hurts. I literally just got out of a binge as I'm writing this and I want to cry right now, the pain is so saddening and intense it feels like being dumped almost. Like that sort of true sadness.

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I have such a long ways to go too, that I really just need to stick with my deficit and keep making progress. Its not as if I'm close to my goal weight, I'm still morbidly obese. I was doing so well too- I could notice small changes, I felt better and happier each day knowing that I was chipping away at getting where I wanted to be and now I can't regain control over myself.

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Any advice. I'm literally in tears right now because I'm so scared that I'm going to do that same thing again tomorrow and lose control. I'm terrified with myself.

submitted by /u/hernemes
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/i0eu23/depression_from_cheat_days_cant_break_the_cycle/