Tired and lost. I need help

Hello everyone. I am a 29 (almost 30) year old female. I have fybromialgia and acute vasculitis. I am 180cm and 132kg.

My story starts when I was 6 and was bullied in school. My mom was taking me to nutritionist because I was 2/3kg heavier than the norm, but I was also much taller. She is the type of person to binge after starving herself. My grandma has been obsessed with her weight and diets ever since I remember her being alive. Her mantra was “a vegetable, a protein and a carb”

the bullying continues until I left france and reached Kuwait. It’s normal to be bigger in Kuwait. Curves are much more celebrated. But I still felt disgusting I have been steadily gaining weight until my 17 years old where I reached 90kg. Once I reached uni in Egypt, I dated someone toxic who forced me to lose weight. I reached 78kg in a matter of 1.5years. He eventually broke up because I wasn’t enough.. After graduation i returned to Kuwait where i put the weight back on slowly but certainly. Didn’t help that I got a knee injury and discovered that I’m lactose intolerant and was depressed af. I eventually went back to Egypt at 98/100kg. I got better but then I got sick with the two diseases I mentioned earlier. I had to be on a heavy regimen of cortisone and shots also had to quit work and became sedentary. This made me reach the weight I’m at now which is 132 kg.

I never ever liked working out. Everyone talks about the endorphines and the rush you get. All I get is tears. I hate working out. It never ever felt good.

I am tired. I feel ugly. I don’t have the energy to workout or move. I starve and binge. I can’t find a healthy rhythm. Everytime I try I fall back within a week. Food fulfills me. Also I go to therapy and I’m working on it with my dr. I downloaded couch to 5k and never found it in me to open the app. Tried yoga, walking, insanity, weight lifting, véganisme, keto, carb cycling, intermittent fasting, calorie counting, eating when your just hungry. Nothing is helping.

I need help.

If anyone has any advice or had a similar experience I’d love to hear your input.

Thank you

submitted by /u/bastermabaguette
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/q9mvmr/tired_and_lost_i_need_help/