I had an eating disorder but sometimes I feel like I use that as a blockade/excuse for not losing weight and continuing to marinate in my gluttony. Or maybe not, I don’t know.
I’m a fit woman with a healthy BMI, I lift, but all that shit makes me denser and thicker and weigh even more (muscle), and every time I try to restrict again I spiral really bad and go too hard with it with like purging and tanking my iron levels (I have like no iron stores lol) so I pass out and sleep all day. And then I rebound binge and end up back where I started with a BMI of 22 and and now bloated to high hell.
I think my problem is that I’m so emotionally attached to food. My grandpa was my best friend in my family and we would bond over random restaurants and notoriously unhealthy Hungarian cuisine, the man was in love with food and wanted to share our family culture with me. So I developed a fondness for food, too, and value it too much and see it as hell of a lot more than fuel, although my portions are reasonable and I’m active so I’ve stayed healthy. But being skinny again seems impossible and both of the times I’ve really done it have been very unhealthy.
But I looked so fantastic. Waifishness lends you a certain mystique and charm. Somehow I just looked smarter. I could damn near buy anything and it would look good, now I have to coordinate my outfits. I looked professional and ethereal and disciplined, like I had my head on straight, even though I didn’t, and people saw me the same way (I think?). Whenever I see a thin person I think of them as better than me, even if I don’t know them, and I feel like other people would do the same.
I look fine now. I have a little belly pooch if I’ve eaten but can technically pull off a crop top. I wear smalls now. I have good endurance and better hair and my skin is soft. I have curves, which I don’t like but apparently they’re good. But every single day, literally every single day since I recovered, I’ve just missed being tiny and lithe and wonder if it’s worth it to do it again. Because I know I can do it functionally, and every time I say no it feels like an excuse, and that I took my recovery too far, and I’m a hedonist, and all I care about is food and eating and being a chubby slob.
Am I? Like at what point did I go to far and am I just holding myself back from being beautiful and losing weight with my ED as an excuse? Does anyone else go through this?
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/pi1k1x/i_just_miss_being_skinny/
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