I really hope somebody sees this, but I’m mostly writing this for me.
For almost my entire life, I’ve been overweight. My parents were overweight, and by extension so was I, up until age 12, when I dropped about 60 lbs, leaving me at a trim 115 lbs.
Since then I’ve been steadily gaining back my weight and now I’m almost 240 lbs. And as much as I’ve hated it, I haven’t done anything about it.
But I’m sick of it. I’m sick of not being able to climb a flight of stairs without having to catch my breath once I reach the top. I’m sick of having to sleep on my side because I can feel the fat of my neck crushing my wind pipe. I hate the increased hormonal imbalances I’ve been suffering as a result of my obesity.
But most of all, I hate not being able to respect myself. I thought being skinny would erase my self-loathing, and my parents, who have only ever told me I’m not worthy of self respect for this reason and MANY others, taught me that. And I wish somebody had taught me that that’s not what self love is. It isn’t about waiting until you’re “fixed” to deem yourself worthy. It’s about loving yourself enough to want to be better. And I get that now, which is why I’m more of a woman now than I’d have ever been if I’d just continued to listen to my parents’ drivel.
But I know that’s not enough. I’ve learned to love who I am on the inside, but now I need to love my body enough to keep it not just alive, but thriving. I’ve spent too long neglecting my health in the name of worthlessness and stress, and I can safely say I wouldn’t wish the mental turmoil I’ve waded through on any soul.
So I’m done. I’m done crossing my fingers every time I get on the scale at the doctor’s office, hoping the number hasn’t risen since the last time. I’m done feeling my breath hitch harshly as the doctor puts the blood pressure strap on my arm, and watching her face twist in disappointment. I’m done externally dismissing my mother’s admonishments while internally stewing over them until the cycle repeats.
Unfortunately, size discrimination, as much as we love to pretend it doesn’t, exists. And I know that if I ever want to be respected as a force to be reckoned with in the workforce, in my passions, or as a romantic partner, I need to represent who I am on the inside on the outside.
And more than that, I need to prove to myself of all people that I’m worthy of respect. That I’m a fighter, that I don’t throw in the towel when the going gets tough. I need to prove to myself that the self-discipline of not reaching for the nearest junk food item is worth it if it means that someday I might be able to run a marathon, scale a mountain, or hell, even learn to figure skate.
But even if I can’t do that, I have to do something, because I can’t keep living this way. I can’t keep saying “tomorrow” because tomorrow never comes. I can’t keep living in fear of things getting any worse than they are.
So take this as my word: I’m going to lose 40 lbs. No matter how hard it is when I can’t visit the gym, and when the elliptical in my house is broken. I’m still going to do it because I have to.
TL;DR: I have to lose 40 lbs, and I wrote this in the hopes of not being able to wuss out
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/jc3z7i/i_dont_need_to_lose_a_lot_just_enough/
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