I’ve always felt not good enough. I look in the mirror and what I see is hideous. I had anorexia for many years in an attempt to make myself more “attractive”, but in the last few years gone from being underweight to slightly overweight.
My last two girlfriends have really hurt me. And my most recent gf broke up with me because she realised she “wasn’t actually attracted to me” (which makes me feel pathetic to even type)
My biggest dream is to be a musician. I even got a record deal last year. However, my label is close to dropping me because I have been postponing any visual element (photos, videos etc). I look at other musicians (king princess, clairo etc) and they are so praised for their generically pretty looks and socially accepted body. It makes me feel like people will just laugh at me. I don’t want to be an “ugly” or”overweight” artist that people do the whole “iSnT iT grEat shEs ouT heRe dOing her thing despite being ugly” (you know the type of thing I’m talking about, think of how people talk about Lizzo). I want to make it clear I accept ALL forms of beauty and all sizes, just not for myself. When it comes to me I am obsessed with being “attractive” and feel like I’ll never be able to change that.
I’ve been trying to lose weight for the past year but with my ED past it just ends up being me not eating for a week and then bingeing ultimately getting me nowhere.
I feel so lost and depressed and tired of being insecure about my body. I’ve been in therapy (and seen multiple dieticians although they were all a bit problematic) for 8 years and tried so hard to love and accept myself as I am but, I just feel like I’ll never accept myself physically as I am and never be able to change it, so therefore never be able to be loved or Persue my dreams.
Sorry for the vent I’m just sad and I don’t know how to fix this, I feel like I’ve tried everything.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/i83rbs/im_not_attractive_and_its_a_problem/
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