A Few Words from a Skinny Woman

I’m a 30F with BMI of 18.3 (5’5”, 110lbs) I bumped into this community yesterday and continued to read many posts here because it reminds me so much of my dieting days. The perpetrating struggle with weight feels so familiar and I just want to share my story.

Growing up, I’ve always been very conscious of my weight. I was on the chubbier side compared to my schoolmates. It was in Asia and the standard there was really twisted - beautiful girls should never exceed 110lbs. My friends around 5’4” were proud to be under 100lbs.

Around 19, I reached 133lb and remained at 125lb. I felt so inferior and insecure I started extreme dieting. I would count every calorie and not eat for three whole days for a “cleanse.” I lost 15lbs in 20days. Almost fainted and couldn’t do any work at all. I was voted the “most beautiful” in my class according to some school survey. But inside I felt unworthy and anxious.

I gained some of the weight back of course. When it did, I was depressed and angry and would start dieting again. In short, it became a cycle that repeated itself for ten years. during which I developed bulimia, binge eating, alcoholism, etc. Food becomes a curse. Eating becomes a secret. Being skinny feels like cheating.

I was so jealous of those “naturally skinny” people who never thinks twice about eating. I developed an obsession with food and would sometimes binge eat and throw up after. When there’s food on my table, my attention goes there and there’s a strong impulse to consume it no matter what food it is.

I carried a weigh with me during trips and one of them finally worked up the courage to ask me if I’m having some eating problem. I broke down and cried. At the time I was 112lbs and believed I was fat and had to get back to 107 to feel normal again. We talked and I promised I will try to get better. I was 27 then.

But getting better was a process. Things really changed when I moved in with my boyfriend. It was the beginning of a new relationship so it distracted myself from dieting. We pigged out a lot and because we were always together I throw up less and less frequently. One day I told him about this and he just said, it’s ok, if you really want to throw up, just go throw up.

Strangely after he said that, I threw up less and less. I no longer feel so deeply ashamed of it and the sense of secrecy and helplessness faded. I did gain a few pounds in the beginning and started feeling anxious again. However my boyfriend didn’t even notice and gave me tons of compliments. At that time I rarely throw up anymore. I stopped weighing myself everyday.

The breakthrough came when I decided to learn to cook. (Because neither of us cooked, we ate out or ordered takeouts everyday. ) Starting from zero, I fell in love with cooking and really develop a deeper bond with food. We eat a bit healthier and lighter. And it’s so much fun because I make everything myself and it just tastes much better than fast food .

Now we just eat whatever we want, whenever we want No dieting or any restriction. When we don’t feel like cooking, we just have McDonald’s or takeouts. We still drink alcohol. Probably because my desires are always satisfied, my cravings disappeared.

Strangely, I lost weight. I went from the beginning of the relationship from “bulimia + dieting” 115lbs to “eating whatever” 110lbs. And I’ve kept that weight for 5 months now. I still throw up occasionally after I eat or drink too much by accident but only rarely and I no longer find it compulsive.

My mentality around food completely changed and I no longer feel threatened by a cheeseburger. I understand that I deserve to eat (Even junk food) for fun. And that I am actually skinny and, of course, beautiful.

Thanks for reading my long story. I hope everyone here feel beautiful and happy :)

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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/hnyb01/a_few_words_from_a_skinny_woman/